Melania Reportedly Delighted Natalie Harp Has Taken Over the Full-Time Trump Shift
First Lady Allegedly Tells Friends: “Wonderful. Natalie Has the Printer, the Phone and Donald — I Finally Have an Afternoon Free.”
By Quentin Thrustbucket, Chief Relationship Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Donald Trump’s extraordinarily close working relationship with White House aide Natalie Harp has attracted plenty of attention. Harp is reportedly a near-constant presence around the president, helping with his social-media operation, carrying documents and even earning the nickname “the human printer” because of her habit of supplying Trump with printed material. Reports have also described highly admiring notes she wrote to him.
Rumours have inevitably followed, but there is no established evidence of an affair, so The Daily Scrotum has naturally decided to concentrate on the much more important question:
Has Melania finally found somebody willing to do the Donald shift?
According to sources existing exclusively inside Quentin Thrustbucket’s head, the First Lady couldn’t be happier.
“Natalie wants to follow Donald around all day?”
“Excellent. Where do I sign?”
Under the new arrangement, Harp reportedly begins her duties early each morning equipped with two mobile phones, several folders, a portable printer and enough complimentary newspaper articles to keep the president cheerful until lunchtime.
Melania, meanwhile, allegedly begins her day considerably differently.
She rolls over.
Looks at the clock.
Realises Natalie is already on duty.
And goes back to sleep.
The arrangement has apparently become known inside the White House as the Trump Relief Programme.
Harp handles the printing.
Harp handles the social-media material.
Harp handles the paperwork.
And, most importantly, Harp handles the moment when Trump walks into a room and asks:
“Has anybody seen the fantastic thing somebody wrote about me?”
Within seconds, the printer starts.
Brrrrrrrrrrr.
Out comes another article.
Trump smiles.
Natalie smiles.
And somewhere else in the building Melania reportedly opens a bottle of sparkling water and whispers:
“Best staffing decision they’ve ever made.”
The system is said to have become so efficient that Melania has allegedly requested a giant illuminated sign outside the presidential quarters:
NATALIE ON DUTY — PLEASE DIRECT ALL DONALD-RELATED ENQUIRIES TO HER
There is even talk of introducing shifts.
Monday to Friday: Natalie.
Saturday: Secret Service.
Sunday: Golf course staff.
Melania: Emergency cover only.
Trump himself reportedly sees nothing unusual about the arrangement.
Reports have portrayed him as valuing Harp’s intense loyalty; recent coverage has described her continuing to accompany him closely and supply him with documents and material.
In The Daily Scrotum version of events, Trump has therefore proposed promoting Harp from Presidential Assistant to:
EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR OF KEEPING DONALD OCCUPIED
The position comes with considerable responsibility.
Every morning she must provide:
Three flattering headlines.
Two complimentary social-media posts.
One photograph of a large crowd.
And absolutely nothing containing the phrase “approval rating.”
Melania reportedly considers the scheme such a success that she wants it expanded.
“Could Natalie perhaps accompany him on every golf trip?” she allegedly asked.
“Certainly, Mrs Trump.”
“International summits?”
“Of course.”
“Three-hour speeches?”
“Absolutely.”
Melania paused.
“What about weekends?”
Officials are still negotiating that part.
At the time of publication, Trump was reportedly looking for Natalie because he’d discovered an extremely complimentary article about himself and wanted it printed immediately.
Natalie was already approaching with the printer.
Melania was nowhere to be seen.
Quentin eventually located a handwritten note on her door:
GONE OUT.
NATALIE’S GOT HIM.
BACK TUESDAY.
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