Englishman Challenges Thai Chilli Champion — Immediately Regrets Owning a Mouth
KHON KAEN, THAILAND — An Englishman has challenged Thailand’s reigning chilli-eating champion to a public competition after confidently announcing that he had once eaten a vindaloo in Birmingham “without even needing a glass of water.”
The English challenger, Barry Pritchard, 58, from Kent, entered the contest wearing a Union Jack waistcoat and carrying what he described as “years of professional curry experience.”
His opponent, Somchai “The Volcano” Boonmee, arrived quietly, smiled politely and ate three raw bird’s-eye chillies while waiting for the paperwork to be completed.
Barry remained confident.
“I’ve had Madras, vindaloo and something called a phaal,” he told reporters.
“Thai chillies are only small. How dangerous can they be?”
Several local spectators immediately began filming.
The contest was held outside a restaurant under a banner reading:
BRITAIN v THAILAND: THE BATTLE OF THE BURNING BOTTOM
The rules were simple.
Each competitor would eat increasingly powerful chillies without drinking milk, water, beer or emergency gravy.
Round one began with a mild chilli.
Somchai ate it without expression.
Barry chewed slowly, nodded and said:
“Quite fruity, actually.”
Round two involved a hotter Thai chilli.
Somchai ate two.
Barry ate half of one and began blinking at a speed normally associated with faulty Christmas lights.
By round three, Barry’s face had turned the colour of a London bus.
He insisted he was perfectly comfortable despite sweating through his shirt, waistcoat and apparently one of his shoes.
“This is not pain,” he explained.
“This is flavour leaving the body.”
Somchai remained calm.
He asked whether the organisers had anything stronger.
The restaurant owner produced a small red chilli known locally as The Village Widowmaker.
Barry stared at it.
“That’s tiny.”
Somchai nodded.
“So is a bullet.”
The crowd fell silent.
Somchai ate the chilli, smiled and requested another.
Barry took one bite and immediately stood up, sat down, stood up again and attempted to phone the British Embassy using a television remote control.
Witnesses say he then ran in circles shouting:
“MY TONGUE HAS RESIGNED!”
Quentin Thrustbucket, reporting for The Daily Scrotum, described the scene.
“Barry’s eyes were watering, his ears were steaming and at one point he appeared to apologise personally to his stomach.”
Medics offered assistance, but Barry refused to surrender.
Instead, he demanded a pint of bitter, two yoghurts, a cucumber and “anything made entirely from snow.”
He was finally disqualified after drinking directly from a decorative fish pond.
The fish were said to be surprised but unharmed.
Somchai was declared the winner after completing the final round by eating a bowl containing twelve chillies, lime juice and what witnesses described as “possibly molten roofing material.”
When asked how he had trained, Somchai shrugged.
“My grandmother cooks breakfast.”
Barry later recovered in an air-conditioned room with six fans pointed at his face.
Despite the defeat, he remained defiant.
“I nearly had him.”
Somchai was informed of the remark and laughed continuously for nine minutes.
At the time of publication, Barry had announced plans for a rematch next year.
However, he has requested one small change to the rules:
The competition must involve eating Yorkshire puddings instead.
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