BERTIE BUMBLEWAITE’S POLITICAL NOTEBOOK
The WOW Party Elects Nigel Firage Because the Entire Party Is Already Behind Him
By Bertie Bumblewaite, Political Correspondent (Retired, Rehired and Occasionally Rewired)
Well, dear reader, I thought I’d seen everything.
I’ve witnessed MPs falling asleep in Parliament, councillors arguing over the colour of flowerpots, and one chap in Somerset who campaigned for six weeks before discovering he was standing in the wrong constituency.
But nothing prepared me for the launch of Britain’s newest political sensation…
The WOW Party.
Their newly elected leader is the wonderfully named Nigel Firage—who, I should point out before my solicitor starts twitching, is an entirely fictional gentleman with no connection to anyone living, dead or regularly appearing on television.
Mr Firage was elected unanimously after delivering what delegates described as “the most powerful speech ever heard from someone facing the opposite direction.”
The party’s unusual campaign tradition means every member proudly stands behind their leader.
Not just metaphorically.
Literally.
“He’s the only politician we completely stand behind,” explained one enthusiastic supporter.
“We’ve got no intention of standing in front of him.”
The reason, apparently, is that members firmly believe Nigel has an extraordinary talent for talking…
…out of his bottom.
“It’s where all his best ideas come from,” another delegate explained.
“It’s also where most of the manifesto seems to have been written.”
The annual conference reportedly featured hours of passionate debate, although journalists admitted they couldn’t always tell whether members were applauding, heckling or simply trying to keep a straight face.
Nigel Firage unveiled the party’s latest slogan:
“Behind Every Great Leader… Is Everyone Else.”
The audience erupted into applause.
Or at least they would have done had they not all been facing the wrong way.
The party has also introduced a strict parliamentary seating plan.
The leader takes the front row.
Everyone else remains directly behind him “for moral support and optimal logo visibility.”
When questioned about the party’s economic policies, Mr Firage confidently replied:
“Numbers are overrated. We prefer feelings.”
When asked how the WOW Party intended to solve Britain’s problems, he smiled broadly and said:
“We’re working on it from the rear.”
I’ve been covering politics for forty years, and I can honestly say this is the first manifesto I’ve read that appears to have been drafted entirely from the backside forwards.
Still, one must admire their honesty.
Most political parties eventually talk nonsense.
The WOW Party simply admits where it comes from.
— Bertie Bumblewaite
“Observing British politics since common sense quietly left the building.”
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