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Cornwall and Devon Launch Postal Vote Ban… To Stop Plaid Cymru Winning in the South West
EXETER – Political experts were left scratching their heads this week after Cornwall and Devon councils allegedly announced they would be following Donald Trump’s idea of banning postal voting.
The reason, however, has left constitutional experts completely baffled.
According to a leaked council document, the move is supposedly designed to stop Plaid Cymru from winning elections in Cornwall and Devon.
One political correspondent asked:
“Has Plaid Cymru ever been close to winning a council election in Devon?”
The official reportedly replied:
“That’s exactly the sort of complacency we’re trying to avoid.”
An emergency meeting was immediately convened at County Hall, where officials spent six hours studying maps before eventually agreeing that Wales was, in fact, “closer than we’d previously imagined.”
One councillor pointed at the Bristol Channel and declared:
“That’s only a bit of water. Political ideas can swim.”
The proposal, now nicknamed Operation Keep the Dragons Out, includes several extraordinary measures.
These reportedly include:
- Checking every envelope for traces of Welsh rain.
- Employing sheep to sniff suspicious ballot papers.
- Installing bilingual detectors at polling stations.
- Asking voters to pronounce the word “Llanfair…” before receiving a ballot.
Anyone managing to pronounce it correctly would immediately be referred for “further Welshness assessment.”
Meanwhile, postal workers throughout Devon and Cornwall have reportedly been instructed to inspect every envelope for hidden daffodils, rugby fixtures and leek recipes.
One Royal Mail employee sighed:
“Yesterday I delivered twelve birthday cards and somehow they all had to be checked for dragons.”
The policy has already produced its first casualty.
A holidaymaker from Cardiff attempting to post a postcard reading “Having a lovely time in Bude” was reportedly detained for twenty minutes while officials searched his suitcase for evidence of Welsh cakes.
The tourist later commented:
“I only wanted a stamp.”
Council leaders insist there is absolutely no cause for concern.
One spokesperson explained:
“This is merely a sensible precaution. You can never be too careful with unexpected electoral success from political parties hundreds of miles away.”
Political scientists have struggled to understand the logic.
One professor admitted:
“I’ve spent thirty years studying elections. This is comfortably the most confusing theory I’ve ever encountered.”
As publication went to press, rumours suggested Somerset Council was considering its own preventative measures after receiving reports that the Scottish National Party had been spotted buying ice creams in Weston-super-Mare.
Officials later confirmed the sighting was simply a family from Dundee on holiday.
The Daily Scrotum understands that Cornwall and Devon are already preparing a second phase of the plan involving anti-dragon letterboxes and a mandatory Cornish pasty inspection unit.
The Daily Scrotum will continue monitoring developments, assuming our journalists aren’t stopped at the Tamar Bridge for carrying suspiciously bilingual dictionaries.
