Trump’s Passport is Useless

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Trump’s Royal Invitation… Or Is It?

London, March 2025

In what was meant to be a routine diplomatic exchange, British Prime Minister Keir Starmer recently handed soon to be former U.S. President Donald Trump a letter from King Charles III personally inviting him for a grand state visit to the United Kingdom. The event was set to include a Buckingham Palace banquet, a ride in the royal carriage, and a private tour of the Tower of London (for educational purposes, of course).

Trump, beaming with pride, immediately declared, “This is the greatest state visit in history. Some say, maybe the best ever. Huge honour. Tremendous.”

Unfortunately for him, it’s all a dodgy scam.

The Catch: Trump’s Passport is Useless

What Trump hasn’t realized yet is that due to his administration’s own efficiency reforms, the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) shut down the entire U.S. Passport Office last month to “cut red tape” and “eliminate unnecessary bureaucracy.”

As a result, Trump’s passport will expire before the state visit takes place.

He won’t be able to board Air Force One.
He won’t make it past border control at Heathrow.
He won’t get to pose with the Kings’s Guard for an Instagram post captioned ‘Strong men, great hats, incredible nation.’

The irony is not lost on Washington insiders, who are already calling this “The Most Efficient Self-Own in Diplomatic History.”

King Charles’ “Suspicious” Letter

According to unnamed Buckingham Palace sources, the invitation letter was sent on very suspicious-looking stationery and contained multiple typos, including:

“Dear Mister Tremendous President Trump” (the King never uses the word “tremendous”)
“We request your majestic presence at the United Kingdom’s greatest banquet” (the King doesn’t personally host buffets, except for the corgis)
“Signed, His Royal Highness, King Charles the Best” (not an official title)

Additionally, Trump’s invitation included a postscript offering a free Range Rover if he RSVPs within 24 hours, which strongly suggests that this might, in fact, be a Nigerian Prince-style scam orchestrated by an enthusiastic junior staffer in the British government.

Trump Prepares for His Visit Anyway

Despite the growing evidence that he will never actually be allowed into the UK, Trump has already:

Announced his official royal outfit, which is reportedly a golden tuxedo with an American flag cape.
Ordered “Trump Tea” to be served at Buckingham Palace, claiming that his brand of tea is “more British than British tea.”
Begun referring to King Charles as “Chuck” and suggested they might go golfing together.

The Moment of Truth

The fiasco is expected to reach its climax when Trump arrives at the airport, only to be turned away by TSA agents who explain that he has no valid passport.

He will protest that his passport is the best passport, totally valid, maybe too valid.
He will try to call Elon Musk, but Musk will be too busy shutting down the Department of Homeland Security for inefficiency.
He will declare Heathrow Airport “fake news” and demand that they let him in anyway.

Meanwhile, King Charles will be quietly sipping his tea at Buckingham Palace, watching the chaos unfold on BBC News, and politely pretending not to know what happened.