“Diplomatic Bull: The Rasool-Rubio Rumble”
It was a slow news day in Washington, D.C., until—out of absolutely nowhere—the South African Ambassador to the United States, Ebrahim Rasool, stepped up to the microphone outside his embassy wearing a Springboks rugby jersey and aviator sunglasses.
“I’ve had enough,” he declared, dramatically sipping rooibos tea. “The coffee here is weak, the air smells like freedom and fried oil, and every time I ask for biltong, someone hands me beef jerky like it’s the same thing.”
Then came the bombshell.
“And I just want to say,” he growled, “I hate the US. And Marco… Polo.”
There was a long silence before a confused reporter whispered, “You mean Marco Rubio?”
Rasool snapped his fingers. “Yes, yes! Rubio. The small one with the ‘presidential dreams’ and the emotional range of a houseplant. That one.”
Within minutes, Senator Marco Rubio, freshly rebranded as “Rubino” after his self-deportation side hustle, held an emergency press conference outside a Chick-fil-A.
“Let me be clear,” Rubino said, holding a large lemonade for emphasis. “Rasool is no longer welcome in America. Not because of what he said—but because he’s clearly jealous.”
“Jealous?” shouted a reporter. “Of what?”
Rubio leaned in. “He wants Elon Musk to go back to South Africa and start making cars that run on bullshit. You heard me. Bull-powered Teslas. Musk has the tech—I’ve seen the blueprints on Twitter… well, the version of Twitter that’s only available on Mars.”
Back at the South African embassy, Rasool clapped back with a PowerPoint presentation titled:
“Why Bullshit is the Future: An African Innovation Initiative.”
Slide 1: A cow.
Slide 2: Elon Musk photoshopped riding the cow like a rodeo champ.
Slide 3: A Tesla Model B (B for Bullshit) emitting eco-friendly rainbows out the exhaust.
Rasool grinned. “We have the cows. We have the tech. What do you have, Rubino? A podcast no one listens to?”
Rubio hit back on social media:
“You’ll never power a Cybertruck with cow crap, Rasool. You’d need an entire parliament of bulls for that!”
To which Rasool replied:
“Good thing I’ve got contacts in Pretoria.”
The White House was caught in the crossfire and attempted diplomacy by offering a “Bullpower Summit,” hosted by Kamala Harris in a barn just outside of D.C.
Elon Musk, appearing via hologram from a SpaceX toilet, simply said:
“Honestly, if it runs… I’ll build it.”
By week’s end, Musk unveiled a prototype of the Tesla Moo-del S, a vehicle that ran entirely on methane and Twitter comments. The horn made a mooing sound, and the onboard AI was programmed to sass anyone who doubted it.
As for Rasool and Rubino?
They’ve now teamed up—begrudgingly—to co-author a book called “From Bull to Battery: How to Monetize an Argument and Save the Planet.” Netflix is already in talks for a docuseries.
And every time a Tesla backfires in South Africa… someone winks, and says, “That one’s running on Rasool power.”
