Thinks He Now Owns Jeff Bezos’ Empire
In yet another dazzling episode of Deals Gone Wild: Trump Edition, Donald J. Trump has proudly announced that he has “successfully bought Amazon”—only to later realize that what he actually purchased was Thailand’s largest coffee chain, Amazon Café, and not the global retail giant owned by Jeff Bezos.
The Big Announcement
At a hastily arranged press conference held inside a Bangkok 7-Eleven (next to a shelf of squid-flavored chips), Trump beamed with pride:
“Folks, I did it. I finally bought Amazon. Everyone said I couldn’t. Bezos? Fired. Gone. I’m in charge now. Expect great things—faster shipping, more gold packaging, and maybe a few casinos hidden inside Prime boxes. Believe me.”
Reporters were stunned. Cameras flashed. CNN had a heart attack. Twitter (now X, somehow still confused) exploded.
Until someone quietly asked:
“Mr. Trump… do you mean Amazon the tech company or *Café Amazon, the coffee shop chain in Thailand with the green parrot logo?”
Trump paused. Blinked. Looked down at the receipt in his hand—which very clearly read:
“Café Amazon Thailand Franchise Acquisition: 1,372 locations. Free iced Americano with every purchase.”
The Realization
Trump squinted at the logo.
“Wait… this bird… is this Bezos’ new mascot? What is this? A toucan? A parrot? It’s… very aggressive branding. What happened to the smiley arrow?!”
A staff member kindly explained that Café Amazon has nothing to do with Jeff Bezos and was actually founded by a Thai petroleum company, which only made Trump more confused.
“Wait. The oil guys run the coffee? I thought it was Elon. This deal keeps getting better.”
Damage Control Begins Immediately
Back in the U.S., Jeff Bezos laughed for the first time in ten years, floating gently in his space yacht.
“I can’t believe he actually bought a coffee shop thinking it was me. Genius move. I’m going to order a latte just to celebrate.”
Meanwhile, Café Amazon’s staff are now being trained on how to deal with Trump’s sudden “business makeover” ideas, which include:
- Replacing all chairs with gold-plated thrones
- Serving coffee in miniature MAGA mugs
- Launching a new drink called the “Mar-a-Latte” – 90% foam, 10% substance
- Introducing a Drive-Thru Truth Social Booth where you yell your opinions at a window and get handed a donut
Thai Locals Are Confused But Amused
One customer sipping her iced matcha said:
“I came here for a coffee. Now there’s a man yelling about election fraud over the croissants.”
Another whispered, “He just renamed the espresso machine ‘Trump Jr.’ I don’t know what’s happening.”
Trump’s Final Word
Later that day, Trump stood proudly in front of a Café Amazon location, wearing a visor and handing out loyalty cards with his face on them.
“This is better than Bezos. Coffee is hot. Profits are hotter. We’re gonna put a rocket in every mocha. Amazon is MINE now, baby. Next up? Buying Google… I think it’s a noodle stand in Chiang Mai.”
Final Thoughts
And so, while Jeff Bezos continues running the real Amazon from his orbital mansion, Donald Trump now owns 1,372 jungle-themed coffee shops across Thailand—where every cappuccino comes with a side of confusion, confidence, and questionable branding.
Café Amazon: Now proudly under new management… sort of.
