Captain Rufus “Goldthumb” McDribble – The Pirate Who Bought an Island for $105 and Half a Rum Cake
Legend has it that in 1713, a not-so-fearsome but incredibly persuasive pirate named Captain Rufus “Goldthumb” McDribble stumbled upon an East Coast island after getting wildly off-course during a rum-fueled treasure hunt.
The island, now known only as McDribble’s Folly, was allegedly purchased from a group of confused colonists for:
- $105 in silver doubloons
- Half a rum cake (the good kind with extra glaze)
- And a used parrot named Derek
Eyewitnesses claim McDribble sealed the deal by shouting:
“I hereby claim this soggy patch of land in the name of me, meself, and any future theme parks that might arise!”
The island went on to become:
- A failed pirate retirement resort
- A crab-wrestling arena
- And eventually, a luxury golf course with suspicious cannon holes
To this day, old East Coast sailors say if you squint hard enough during a foggy sunrise, you can still see the outline of Captain McDribble’s ship, The Soggy Barnacle, parked just offshore.
