Gordon the Chimpanzee Blocks Musk’s Bid to Rewrite History, Plans One-Way Trip to Planet Musko
Washington, D.C. – February 23, 2025
In yet another bizarre twist to the ongoing Musk-Vance-Gordon saga, recently ousted tech mogul Elon Musk has attempted to rewrite his own past—only to be stopped in his tracks by none other than Gordon, the newly appointed Chief Space Advisor and DOGE and the first-ever chimpanzee to hold public office.
Musk’s Grand Plan: A Chicago-Pretoria Switcheroo
Reports emerged this morning that Musk had secretly funneled billions into the Pretoria government, convincing officials to erase his South African birth certificate from existence. In a bold stroke of megalomania, he then arranged for Chicago to be renamed Pretoria, USA, in what sources describe as a desperate bid to claim American birthright status.
“He was talking about launching ‘Musk’s Manifest Destiny,’ where he could reinvent himself as a natural-born American and ultimately run for president,” said a White House insider. “The problem was, it made absolutely no sense, even by Musk standards.”
The National Center for Health Statistics Gets Axed
In a preemptive move to prevent any historical pushback, Musk—before his removal—fired the entire National Center for Health Statistics (NCHS), the government body responsible for keeping birth records.
With the NCHS out of the way and his “new” birthplace officially set as Pretoria, USA (formerly Chicago), Musk had one final hurdle: He needed a government official to stamp his revised birth certificate.
Unfortunately for him, that official turned out to be Gordon.
Gordon Takes Charge: “Enough is Enough”
Upon reviewing Musk’s absurd paperwork, Gordon did what any responsible leader would do—he threw a banana at the document, let out an exasperated sigh, and declared:
“I’m not having any of this nonsense.”
White House officials confirm that Gordon has now taken an aggressive stance against Musk’s antics, drawing the line at intergalactic lunacy.
“We let him rename Tesla models, launch cars into space, and send flamethrowers to the public. But this? This is where we stop enabling him,” Gordon said through an official statement (delivered via a series of hand gestures and interpretive grunts).
One-Way Ticket to Planet Musko
Not content with merely rejecting Musk’s fabricated identity, Gordon is now taking matters into his own hands—or rather, his opposable thumbs. Reports from the Pentagon suggest that Gordon has fast-tracked a classified mission codenamed Operation Musk-Go, which involves sending the eccentric billionaire on a one-way trip to his self-proclaimed home planet, Musko.
While the details of this operation remain top secret, leaked blueprints suggest that Musk will be launched in a retrofitted SpaceX prototype equipped with a self-replicating Twitter feed to keep him occupied for eternity. The rocket’s trajectory is programmed to bypass Mars, slingshot around Jupiter, and continue toward deep space, where Musko allegedly exists.
Sources close to Musk claim that he remains unaware of this plan, still preoccupied with designing a line of luxury spacesuits branded ZongaWear™.
White House Statement
When asked about Gordon’s unprecedented actions, Vice President JD Vance simply shrugged and said, “Look, Gordon’s doing a better job than Musk ever did. If he wants to send Musk on a permanent vacation, who are we to stop him?”
As for Musk, his days on Earth may be numbered. Whether he’ll embrace his interstellar fate or attempt one final, last-minute scheme remains to be seen. But one thing is certain—Gordon isn’t monkeying around.
