Alina Habba’s Crime-Kicking Crisis: A Deportation Dilemma
In a bold, dramatic press conference outside a Dunkin’ Donuts in Jersey, Trump’s lawyer and self-declared “Law Lady of the Free World,” Alina Habba, stepped up to a podium flanked by American flags, a bald eagle wearing Ray-Bans, and a confused intern holding a foam gavel.
“From this day forward,” she announced, “I will personally ensure that all criminals are kicked out of this country! No exceptions! No mercy! Not even for jaywalkers or people who talk in movie theaters!”
The crowd roared. Somewhere in the back, a man shouted, “Even people who steal Wi-Fi?”
“Especially them!” she roared back.
But just as she was basking in her patriotic glory, her phone buzzed. It was a notification from The Justice Tracker app — a new software tool that alerts lawyers when their clients become convicted felons. It came with a sad trombone sound and a pop-up that read:
“Donald J. Trump – Convicted Felon: Please choose deportation destination.”
Alina froze.
A reporter raised his hand. “So… does this mean you’ll be deporting your client?”
She blinked. “Um… no. You see, he’s not that kind of felon. He’s a decorative felon. Very classy. Not the deportable kind.”
“Where does it say that in the Constitution?” the reporter asked.
“Page… seventeen,” she said, flipping through a copy of People Magazine.
Moments later, a Homeland Security official politely handed her a pamphlet titled:
“So You’ve Pledged to Deport Criminals: What Happens When Your Boss Qualifies.”
The guide recommended El Salvador, citing “warm weather, good coffee, and a newly built U.S.-sponsored prison that’s surprisingly Instagrammable.”
Now trapped in her own legal boomerang, Alina tried to negotiate. “Can we send him to Mar-a-Lago and just build a really friendly fence around it?”
But it was too late. A charter jet labeled “FELON EXPRESS” had landed, and Trump was already live-streaming from the cabin:
“We love El Salvador. Great beaches. I might build a casino. Very underused concrete. I’m the most innocent felon in history, believe me.”
Meanwhile, Alina was last seen googling “Can I deport myself to a country without extradition?” while filling out asylum paperwork… in crayon.
Moral of the story: Be careful who you threaten to kick out of the country. You might just be the one holding the luggage.
