Trump Confuses “Tariffs” with “T-arits”
In a speech that left economists speechless and translators frantically checking their earpieces, Donald J. Trump today clarified his long-standing position on tariffs—only to reveal that he’s been spectacularly misunderstanding the word this entire time.
“People love tariffs. I love tariffs. Nobody does tariffs like I do. Beautiful, tremendous T-arits—America wants to see more of them. Classy ones. Tasteful. The best.”
The crowd clapped politely, mostly because no one knew what he meant… until he elaborated:
“Back in the ’90s, we had the Miss Trump T-arit Pageant. You remember it! Back when America was great and pageants were pure—just beautiful girls, high heels, and freedom. That’s what I mean by tariffs. Bring ’em back!”
Economists Are Still Recovering
CNBC attempted to follow up, asking whether Trump was referring to import taxes on foreign goods. Trump blinked, then said:
“No, no, you’re thinking of terraces—like on golf courses. Totally different. I’m talking about T-arits. America’s foundation. Beautiful, shining examples of freedom. Some people call them ‘breasts’. I call them ‘economic morale boosters.’”
The room fell into stunned silence as one financial advisor slowly slid under the table.
The “T-Arit Initiative” Is Born
Within hours, Trump launched the T-Arit Initiative™, a campaign to “restore America’s global image” through patriotic cleavage and strong pageantry.”
Key points in the initiative include:
- Replacing the IRS with judges in swimsuits
- Mandatory beauty pageants for cabinet applicants
- All foreign trade deals to be negotiated at bikini contests
He also announced a new slogan:
“Make America Gaze Again.”
Backlash from… Everyone
The U.S. Chamber of Commerce, struggling to keep a straight face, issued a formal correction:
“Tariffs are taxes on imported goods. They have nothing to do with busty nostalgia or contests involving glitter.”
Meanwhile, Melania Trump has reportedly locked herself in the Mar-a-Lago sauna, muttering “I can’t do this again.”
Foreign Leaders Respond in Confusion
Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney was quoted as saying:
“We thought this was an economic negotiation. Suddenly, there were tiaras, sashes, and a talent portion. I don’t know what just happened, but someone asked me to sing Celine Dion.”
French President Macron simply whispered, “Mon Dieu,” before vanishing in a swirl of existential dread and cologne.
Final Thoughts
So the next time someone asks about Trump’s stance on tariffs, just remember: he’s not thinking about trade policy—he’s thinking about tassels, tiaras, and a 1993 swimsuit competition held at a hotel with gold curtains and zero shame.
America may not get cheaper steel, but it might just get one hell of a televised pageant with questionable judging standards.
And in Trump’s words:
“These T-arits… they’re big, they’re bold, and they’re what the Founding Fathers would’ve wanted. Probably. Jefferson was into this sort of thing. Believe me.”
