Gordon the Chimpanzee Considers Replacing White House Staff with Fellow Primates
Washington, D.C. – February 23, 2025
In what some political analysts are calling “the most logical decision in years,” Gordon, the newly appointed Dodgy Advisor and first-ever chimpanzee in the White House, is now considering a radical overhaul of staff—by replacing them all with his fellow primates.
A Better Class of Leadership: Out with the Clowns, In with the Chimps
According to sources close to Gordon, the chimpanzee-turned-political-powerhouse has grown increasingly frustrated with the state of affairs in Washington. After just a few weeks of observing government operations, he has concluded that the so-called “leaders of the free world” are, in fact, less competent than a group of well-trained chimps.
“I have spent enough time here to realize one thing,” Gordon reportedly signed in chimpanzee language to a stunned group of senior advisors. “If we’re going to act like a circus, we might as well bring in professionals.”
With that, Gordon unveiled his Chimp First Initiative (CFI)—a bold new plan to transition all government positions to primate leadership, starting with the White House.
Reginald and Freda: The New Faces of Government
Gordon has already begun assembling his new cabinet, starting with his own siblings, Reginald and Freda.
- Reginald is set to be appointed as Head of the Banana Republicans, a newly formed political faction dedicated to replacing partisan bickering with unity, common sense, and a steady supply of potassium-rich snacks.
- Freda, described as a “shrewd and no-nonsense negotiator,” will serve as Minister of Jungle Affairs, overseeing environmental policies and enforcing a strict “No More Monkeys in Suits” rule—except for actual monkeys in suits, of course.
Both chimps have extensive experience in problem-solving, resource management, and throwing objects when displeased—all skills Gordon believes will be critical in governing a modern democracy.
The Great Staff Shake-Up
Under Gordon’s restructuring plan, most existing White House staff will be reassigned (read: sent to a banana plantation to reconsider their life choices). Their replacements will be highly skilled chimpanzees, each assigned to key roles based on their abilities:
- Chief of Staff: Bubbles, known for his quick thinking and ability to climb the political ladder (literally).
- Press Secretary: Coco, who communicates exclusively through gestures and dramatic expressions, ensuring the press gets nothing but honest body language.
- Secretary of Defense: Kong, a 500-pound silverback gorilla who, according to Gordon, will “deter all conflicts simply by standing in the room.”
The transition is expected to be swift, with existing government employees given two options: Adapt to the new system or find employment at the nearest zoo (which, sources say, may be more organized than some federal departments).
Reactions and Controversy
Unsurprisingly, reactions have been mixed.
- Supporters of the plan argue that Washington is already being run by metaphorical chimps, so replacing them with actual chimps might yield better results.
- Critics, on the other hand, warn that handing control of the U.S. government to primates could lead to “unforeseen consequences”—though, when pressed, they were unable to specify how things could get any worse than they already are.
Former Space Advisor Elon Musk, still bitter over his dismissal, lashed out on X (formerly Twitter), calling Gordon’s plan “Banana Communism” and threatening to build a chimp-proof moon base where he will govern alone.
Gordon, unfazed, simply responded with a well-timed banana peel toss, sending Musk slipping into irrelevance once again.
What’s Next?
As the White House prepares for its most dramatic transformation in history, one thing is certain—Washington is about to get a whole lot hairier.
With the fate of the nation now in the capable hands (and opposable thumbs) of Gordon and his fellow primates, many Americans are left wondering: Could this actually work?
Early polling suggests a surprising answer: Yes. Absolutely yes.
