BREAKING: Remote Island Offers Citizenship to Disgruntled Americans After Trump Bombs His Own Country “For Ratings”
New citizens must accept marble-based currency and promise not to bring Twitter
In what might be the most unexpected geopolitical offer since Greenland told Trump “no thanks,” one of the world’s most isolated islands — Pookapooka, a speck in the Pacific so small it’s not even sure which timezone it’s in — has formally announced that it will offer citizenship to all Americans disillusioned by President Trump’s latest move: bombing his own country.
When asked why he launched airstrikes on Kansas, Trump told reporters:
“It was a controlled patriotic fireworks show. Plus, Kansas didn’t vote red enough. Very disappointing crops. Tremendous smoke, though — the best.”
Pookapooka’s Offer:
The island’s chief (and amateur marble collector) President Wapaloopa XII, addressed the world via coconut-powered livestream:
“We welcome all Americans who are… how you say… done with exploding themselves. Just bring sunscreen, move your money, and stop yelling about free speech during dinner.”
New Citizenship Requirements:
- Complete rejection of explosive nationalism
- Proof of digital bank transfer to the newly founded Pooka Bank & Smoothie Co.
- Acceptance of the island’s new currency: MARBLEX (backed by real King Marbles)
- Pledge of allegiance to the Flag of Tranquility, which is just a beach towel with a smiley face
Economic Plans:
- The island will launch its own stock exchange, the P.O.O.K.A.X., featuring thrilling IPOs like:
- CoconutCoin
- ReefTech Solutions
- Bonka Bonka Energy
- Marble Kingdom NFTs (backed by Clown Balls)
- Currency exchange rate:
1 MARBLEX = 3 confused Americans + 1 Sapphireus - To keep inflation under control, the central bank has outlawed the use of Monopoly money and anything Trump once autographed.
Reaction from the United States:
The White House (under 24-hour foghorn defense) released a short statement:
“Fake island. FAKE citizens. Sad hammocks. We bombed better. We marble harder.”
Trump then tweeted from a rotary phone using smoke signals.
Meanwhile, on Pookapooka…
- The new arrivals have set up “New New York,” population: 63 and growing.
- President Wapaloopa was spotted holding a glowing Twisty Peacock and whispering, “This one… will lead us.”
- The first government session ended early when the Minister of Finance got distracted by a crab playing with a marble.
Conclusion:
With U.S. democracy unravelling faster than a MAGA hat in the wash, Pookapooka Island may just become the world’s safest (and smoothest) financial haven — as long as you’re okay trading in Clown Balls instead of dollars.
Apply early. Space is limited. And marbles are rising.
