Thailand Declares War on Durian! Public Eating Banned with Instant 500 Baht Fine
Secret Underground Durian Warehouses Spring Up Across the Country
By Quentin Thrustbucket, Chief Fruity Correspondent
BANGKOK, THAILAND — Thailand was thrown into fruity chaos today after the government announced a nationwide ban on eating durian in public, with offenders facing an immediate 500 baht on-the-spot fine.
The new law, officially called the Public Nasal Protection Act, aims to “improve the quality of breathing for everyone.”
Government spokesperson Somchai Pongpipat explained:
“We are not banning durian.”
“We are simply asking people to eat it where nobody else can smell it.”
The announcement immediately sent shockwaves through Thailand’s devoted durian lovers.
Within hours, reports emerged of secret “Durian Dens” opening in abandoned warehouses, hidden basements and converted garages across the country.
Customers reportedly knock three times before whispering:
“I’ve come for the King of Fruits.”
A hidden door then swings open to reveal dozens of smiling customers sitting around folding tables happily devouring enormous durians.
One warehouse owner proudly told Quentin Thrustbucket:
“We don’t sell drugs.”
“We sell Monthong.”
Inside the warehouse, customers are given fake names.
One man known only as ‘Big Seed’ admitted:
“My wife thinks I’ve taken up yoga.”
“I’m actually here every Tuesday night eating three kilos of durian.”
Police have already begun undercover operations.
Unfortunately, officers attempting to infiltrate the illegal fruit clubs were quickly discovered.
One organiser explained:
“The undercover officers were easy to spot.”
“None of them could stop coughing.”
Entrepreneurs have been quick to cash in on the ban.
New businesses include:
- Durian Speakeasies
- Secret Fruit Clubs
- Black Market Durian Deliveries
- Drive-Thru Durian Bunkers
- VIP Aroma-Free Eating Rooms
One Bangkok warehouse even advertises:
“No CCTV. No Questions. Unlimited Wet Wipes.”
Meanwhile, engineers have invented a futuristic Durian Deodorising Chamber, allowing customers to leave smelling only faintly of coconut shampoo.
The machine reportedly takes just five minutes.
Six if you’ve ordered a second helping.
Neighbouring businesses have become increasingly suspicious.
One warehouse officially registered as:
“Bob’s Plumbing Supplies”
has somehow received over 400 customers a day, none of whom have ever purchased a single pipe.
Scientists monitoring air quality around Bangkok noticed several unexplained “fruit aroma hotspots.”
One expert commented:
“Either there’s an enormous durian somewhere nearby…”
“…or somebody’s hiding a warehouse full of very happy people.”
At the time of publication, police were still searching for what they believe to be Thailand’s largest illegal durian operation.
They were last seen following a suspiciously sweet smell drifting across an industrial estate.
Authorities admitted they almost found it…
…until one officer stopped halfway and quietly said:
“Actually… that’s delicious. Pass me another slice.”
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