Nigerian Prince Promises Trump Bionic Powers to See Into the Future — For Just $4,999 Up Front
Trump says deal is “100% genuine” after Prince guarantees he will reveal future election results, stock prices and next week’s golf scores
By Phil McCavity, Chief Royal Correspondence & Future Affairs Correspondent
WASHINGTON — Donald Trump has reportedly become the first world leader to respond successfully to a Nigerian Prince email after being promised bionic powers enabling him to see into the future.
The message arrived at 3:17 a.m. with the subject:
URGENT CONFIDENTIAL MESSAGE FOR PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP — YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN
Most recipients would have deleted it.
Trump replied within four minutes.
“Finally. Somebody recognises talent.”
The classic “Nigerian prince” email is associated with real advance-fee fraud, where victims are promised something valuable in return for money or information upfront.
Everything from here onwards gets considerably less reliable.
INTRODUCING PRINCE BOBBY
The sender introduced himself as:
His Royal Highness Prince Dr. Sir Bobby Okwonkwo III, Supreme Bionic Vision Minister, Lagos Palace of Advanced Technology and International Money Transfers.
Prince Bobby explained that his late uncle had secretly developed revolutionary Bionic Future Eyes™.
Only one person on Earth was sufficiently intelligent to receive them.
Donald J. Trump.
Trump immediately called his advisers.
“This guy knows me.”
An aide asked whether Trump had ever met Prince Bobby.
“No. That’s what makes his judgement so impressive.”
ONLY $4,999
There was one minor complication.
Before receiving his bionic powers, Trump needed to pay a $4,999 Future Vision Activation Fee.
Advisers screamed:
“IT’S A SCAM!”
Trump disagreed.
“Impossible. He’s a prince.”
“Sir, anybody can claim to be a prince in an email.”
Trump looked horrified.
“Even Prince Harry?”
The meeting was temporarily suspended.
THE POWERS ARE EXTRAORDINARY
Prince Bobby promised Trump would be able to look seven days into the future.
Trump immediately realised the possibilities.
He could know:
Who wins elections.
Which shares rise.
Where his golf ball lands.
What journalists are going to ask him.
And, most importantly:
WHETHER McDONALD’S WILL BRING BACK ANY SPECIAL OFFERS NEXT TUESDAY.
Trump transferred the $4,999.
Ten minutes later another email arrived.
CONGRATULATIONS YOUR BIONIC POWERS ARE 97% ACTIVATED
Unfortunately, the remaining 3% required a $7,500 International Retina Clearance Certificate.
Trump paid it.
Then came the $11,000 Nigerian Bionic Export Tax.
Paid.
Then the $8,750 Royal Future-Viewing Licence.
Paid.
Then the $3,200 Left-Eye Administration Fee.
Trump became suspicious.
“Why only the left eye?”
Prince Bobby replied:
RIGHT EYE IS PREMIUM PACKAGE YOUR EXCELLENCY.
Trump immediately upgraded.
THE FIRST VISION
After spending $47,450, Trump announced that his powers were working.
He closed his eyes.
The room fell silent.
“I can see something.”
Advisers gathered around.
“What do you see, sir?”
Trump concentrated.
“I’m playing golf next Saturday.”
“What’s your score?”
Trump concentrated harder.
“Sixty-two.”
An adviser whispered:
“You always write 62.”
Trump opened his eyes.
“Exactly. I saw it.”
TRUMP SEES THE NEXT ELECTION
Then came the breakthrough.
Trump announced that his bionic eyes had shown him the result of the next election.
“How many votes do you get?”
Trump closed his eyes.
“Approximately 400 million.”
An aide pointed out that this appeared somewhat ambitious.
Trump disagreed.
“I’ve seen the future.”
Prince Bobby immediately emailed congratulations.
He also requested another $6,000.
THE SECRET SERVICE INVESTIGATES
Agents eventually examined the correspondence.
One pointed to several warning signs.
The prince used a Gmail account.
His palace address was a post-office box.
His official royal crest contained a clip-art lion wearing sunglasses.
And every email ended:
KINDLY DO THE NEEDFUL URGENTLY.
Trump remained unconvinced.
“Very professional.”
The FBI explained that genuine royalty generally doesn’t distribute bionic superpowers through unsolicited emails.
Trump demanded evidence.
They didn’t have any.
“Exactly.”
PRINCE BOBBY MAKES HIS BIGGEST OFFER
Then came the email that changed everything.
Prince Bobby revealed that he had $87 million trapped in a Nigerian bank account.
All he needed was Trump’s bank details to transfer it.
In return, Trump could keep 40%.
Trump calculated his share.
“That’s $34.8 million.”
An adviser nodded.
Trump smiled.
“So technically I’ve made money.”
“Sir, you’ve already sent him nearly fifty thousand dollars.”
“That’s called investing.”
THE FINAL EMAIL
Three days later, Prince Bobby disappeared.
His email account vanished.
His telephone stopped working.
And the Palace of Advanced Technology appeared to have relocated.
Trump was furious.
Then suddenly he smiled.
“Wait.”
Everyone looked at him.
“If I genuinely had bionic powers to see the future…”
“Yes?”
“…I would have known this was going to happen.”
The room went silent.
Trump nodded confidently.
“Which proves the bionic eyes haven’t been delivered yet.”
An aide slowly put his head on the desk.
Trump opened his laptop.
A new email had arrived.
DEAR ESTEEMED PRESIDENT TRUMP
I AM PRINCE BOBBY’S BROTHER.
I CAN RECOVER ALL YOUR MONEY.
PLEASE SEND $10,000 RECOVERY FEE.
Trump reached for his credit card.
The Secret Service reached for Trump.
Phil McCavity understands negotiations are continuing.
The Daily Scrotum Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional satire intended for humour and entertainment. Donald Trump has not bought bionic future-vision technology from a Nigerian prince, and Prince Bobby Okwonkwo III and all events and quotations described above are inventions. “Nigerian prince” schemes are a well-known form of advance-fee fraud; genuine unexpected requests for upfront payments or financial information should be treated with caution.
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