Trump Orders 18th Holes at His Golf Courses Turned Into Data Centres: “Seventeen Holes Is More Than Enough”
President says sacrificing one hole proves he is technologically advanced, extremely rich and “definitely not stupid”
By Phil McCavity, Chief Golfing & Artificial Intelligence Correspondent
PALM BEACH — Donald Trump has unveiled what he describes as the greatest technological development in the history of golf: turning the 18th hole at his golf courses into enormous data centres.
The Trump golf portfolio really does span properties around the world, although the 17-hole technological revolution described below exists solely in Phil McCavity’s disturbed imagination.
Trump reportedly came up with the idea after hearing that billionaires were spending enormous amounts of money building AI data centres.
“People have been saying Trump is backwards. Trump is poor. Trump doesn’t understand technology. Total lies.”
An adviser asked who had actually said that.
“People.”
“Which people?”
“Very important people. Probably jealous people.”
Trump then produced his solution.
DELETE THE 18TH HOLE.
“NOBODY NEEDS 18 HOLES”
Golf officials initially assumed he was joking.
“Sir, golf courses traditionally have 18 holes.”
Trump stared at them.
“That’s ridiculous. Seventeen is almost eighteen.”
A mathematician was summoned.
After several minutes with a calculator, he reluctantly confirmed that Trump was correct.
Trump continued:
“You play seventeen holes, you’ve played tremendous golf. By the eighteenth you’re tired anyway. You want a hamburger.”
The 18th hole at each selected course will therefore become a gigantic Trump-branded data centre.
Golfers finishing the 17th will simply proceed directly to the clubhouse.
Anyone demanding to play another hole will be told:
YOU HAVE ALREADY HAD 94.4% OF YOUR GOLF. STOP BEING GREEDY.
WELCOME TO THE TRUMP 17™
Trump has now declared that 17-hole golf is actually superior.
New scorecards will read:
HOLES 1–17 — GOLF
HOLE 18 — ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE
HOLE 19 — BAR
Trump described this as:
“A perfect system. Golf, computers, beer.”
The PGA has not yet adopted the format.
THE WORLD’S FIRST PAR-5 DATA CENTRE
Plans show enormous server buildings replacing 18th greens, surrounded by cooling equipment disguised as bunkers.
The flagstick will remain.
Unfortunately it will now be positioned on top of the server building.
Players attempting to finish the traditional 18 holes will therefore require a pitching wedge, a security clearance and approximately 14,000 feet of extension cable.
A sign beside the former tee will read:
18TH HOLE CLOSED
PAR 4
SERVER CAPACITY: 200 MEGAWATTS
PLEASE DO NOT HIT NVIDIA EQUIPMENT
GOLF BALLS TO COOL THE SERVERS
Engineers explained that AI data centres require substantial cooling.
Trump immediately suggested using golf-course lakes.
“Sir, those are water hazards.”
“Not anymore. They’re technology ponds.”
He then proposed pumping cold water through thousands of servers before returning it to the course.
Engineers warned this might make the lakes warmer.
Trump shrugged.
“Heated water hazards. Very luxurious.”
Members will pay extra.
THE TRUMP AI GOLF COMPUTER
Each data centre will run Trump’s new artificial intelligence system:
TRUMP CADDYGPT™
Golfers can ask it questions.
GOLFER: “Which club should I use?”
CADDYGPT: “Trump Driver.”
GOLFER: “I’m on the putting green.”
CADDYGPT: “Trump Driver.”
GOLFER: “What’s my handicap?”
CADDYGPT: “Fake news. President Trump has no handicaps.”
The system will also automatically correct Trump’s scorecards.
A 7 becomes 4.
A 5 becomes 3.
A ball in the lake becomes:
“Cyber interference.”
THE 17TH BECOMES THE NEW 18TH
Members raised another problem.
“If there’s no 18th hole, doesn’t the 17th become the finishing hole?”
Trump looked astonished.
“Exactly.”
“So effectively the 17th is now the 18th?”
Trump smiled.
“You understand business.”
Officials asked whether this meant there were still technically 18 holes.
Trump immediately ended the meeting.
A SMALL PROBLEM AT COLTS NECK
The programme encountered further confusion when advisers discovered that Trump National Colts Neck already boasts an additional par-3 19th hole beyond its standard 18-hole course.
Trump studied the plans.
“So we’ve got nineteen?”
“Yes.”
“And we’re removing eighteen?”
“Yes.”
“So seventeen then nineteen?”
“Yes.”
Trump stared at the diagram.
“That’s stupid.”
Everyone remained silent.
TRUMP DECLARES HIMSELF A TECHNOLOGY VISIONARY
At the launch, Trump stood beside several server racks and explained the purpose of the entire scheme.
“People are building data centres everywhere. Zuckerberg. Google. Microsoft. Very expensive.”
He pointed towards the former 18th green.
“But they don’t have golf.”
Trump’s solution therefore combines the two most important industries in his life:
Golf and telling people how successful he is.
Huge signs are now planned outside participating clubs:
TRUMP INTERNATIONAL 17-HOLE GOLF & DATA CENTRE
17 BEAUTIFUL HOLES
40,000 BEAUTIFUL SERVERS
ZERO EVIDENCE OF POVERTY OR STUPIDITY
Membership fees will remain unchanged.
Despite members receiving one fewer hole.
Trump explained:
“You’re actually getting more.”
“How?”
“Data.”
“Can members use the data?”
“No.”
“Then what are we getting?”
Trump pointed towards the enormous building occupying the 18th fairway.
“Proof that I’m rich.”
Phil McCavity understands plans are already being considered for an even more advanced version.
If the data centres require additional space, Trump is prepared to sacrifice the 16th hole as well.
His advisers are becoming concerned.
At the current rate of technological progress, by 2030 a round at Trump Golf could consist of three holes, fourteen data centres and a very expensive cheeseburger.
Trump reportedly thinks that sounds tremendous.
The Daily Scrotum Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional satire intended for humour and entertainment. Donald Trump has not announced plans to remove the 18th holes from his golf courses or replace them with data centres. Trump 17™, Trump CaddyGPT™ and all quotations and events attributed to Trump above are comic inventions.
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