Trump to Turn Mar-a-Lago Into World’s Most Luxurious Data Centre to Prove He’s “Neither Backwards Nor Poor”
President unveils Trump Cloud as ballroom fills with servers, swimming pool becomes cooling system and guests are asked not to unplug America to charge their phones
By Quentin Thrustbucket, Chief Technology & Gold-Plated Cable Correspondent
PALM BEACH, FLORIDA — Donald Trump has announced plans to transform Mar-a-Lago into one of the world’s largest and most luxurious data centres after becoming concerned that people might think he is “backwards and poor.”
The problem apparently began when Trump was shown photographs of enormous modern data centres packed with thousands of computers.
“Very impressive,” said an adviser.
Trump looked offended.
“I’ve got a bigger building.”
“It’s a private club, sir.”
“Not anymore. It’s a data centre.”
And with that, Trump Cloud™ was born.
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SERVERS IN THE WORLD
Trump immediately rejected conventional black server cabinets.
“They look cheap.”
Every rack at Mar-a-Lago will therefore be gold-plated.
The main ballroom is to contain 8,000 servers beneath crystal chandeliers, while the dance floor will become the Presidential Processing Zone.
Trump explained:
“Other data centres are terrible places. No chandeliers. No marble floors. Not even a decent ballroom. Very backwards.”
Engineers pointed out that computers don’t particularly appreciate chandeliers.
Trump replied:
“They will when they see these.”
THE SWIMMING POOL IS NOW ESSENTIAL INFRASTRUCTURE
Engineers then explained that thousands of servers generate enormous amounts of heat and require sophisticated cooling.
Trump smiled.
“We already have a pool.”
The Mar-a-Lago swimming pool will consequently become the Trump Artificial Intelligence Liquid Cooling Facility.
Guests have been warned that the water may occasionally reach 47°C when ChatGPT gets particularly busy.
A new poolside sign reads:
NO DIVING
NO INFLATABLES
NO CHILDREN
CRITICAL NATIONAL COMPUTING INFRASTRUCTURE
HAPPY HOUR 4–6 PM
TRUMP CLOUD
The new service will compete directly with the world’s biggest cloud-computing companies.
Trump has rejected the name “cloud computing,” however.
“Clouds are weak. They float away.”
His preferred terminology is:
TRUMP SKY™
Customers will be offered three packages:
TRUMP SILVER — Normal computing.
TRUMP GOLD — Faster computing with better-looking cables.
TRUMP PLATINUM — Your data is personally told that it’s tremendous.
There will also be TRUMP ULTRA, although nobody knows what it does.
It costs twice as much.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE ARRIVES
Trump was particularly interested in AI.
“What does it know?”
“Potentially enormous amounts.”
“More than me?”
There was an uncomfortable silence.
The meeting moved on.
Trump has now commissioned his own artificial-intelligence system:
TRUMPGPT
Engineers say it will answer every question within seconds.
QUESTION: What is the capital of France?
TRUMPGPT: Paris. Tremendous city. They love Trump.
QUESTION: What is 12 × 12?
TRUMPGPT: Probably 300. Maybe 600. We’re getting incredible numbers.
QUESTION: Who is the greatest president?
TRUMPGPT: Connection successful.
THE SECURITY SYSTEM
Mar-a-Lago’s new cybersecurity department will be known as:
THE GREAT FIREWALL OF FLORIDA
Trump asked engineers whether hackers could penetrate it.
“Potentially.”
Trump immediately ordered construction of an actual wall around the servers.
“Sir, that’s not what a firewall means.”
“It is now.”
Mexico has not been asked to pay for it.
Yet.
ONE SMALL ELECTRICITY PROBLEM
Then engineers calculated the power requirements.
Trump stared at the figure.
“How much?”
“A lot.”
“How much is a lot?”
“Enough to make Palm Beach notice.”
Within hours, plans appeared for the Mar-a-Lago Presidential Power Station, consisting of solar panels, generators and one extremely long extension lead heading north.
Guests have been instructed:
DO NOT UNPLUG THE ORANGE CABLE.
One member ignored the warning to charge his golf buggy.
For eleven minutes, Florida lost access to TrumpGPT.
Productivity reportedly increased.
THE PRESIDENTIAL NUCLEAR OPTION
When told that some of the world’s biggest data centres require astonishing quantities of electricity, Trump proposed putting a small nuclear reactor beside the 18th green.
Engineers objected.
Trump compromised.
It will now be behind the 17th.
Golfers hitting into the restricted area receive a two-stroke penalty and federal questioning.
MAR-A-LAGO MEMBERS ARE NOT HAPPY
Club members initially complained that their favourite ballroom was full of computers.
One demanded:
“Where are we supposed to dance?”
An engineer pointed between Server Banks 14 and 15.
“There.”
Another member complained that his bedroom now contained six Nvidia racks.
Trump reassured him:
“Those are the expensive rooms now.”
Room service has also been upgraded.
Guests can order champagne, lobster and an additional 40 terabytes of storage until midnight.
THE GRAND OPENING
Trump personally unveiled the facility beneath an enormous sign:
MAR-A-LAGO DATA CENTRE
THE MOST POWERFUL COMPUTER IN THE WORLD
AND ALSO A VERY NICE CLUB
He pressed a giant gold button.
Eight thousand servers started.
The chandeliers dimmed.
The swimming pool began bubbling.
Every air-conditioning unit in Palm Beach turned towards Mar-a-Lago.
Somewhere in the building, an alarm sounded.
Trump smiled.
“Listen to that power.”
An engineer whispered:
“That’s the overheating warning.”
“Even better.”
TRUMP FINALLY PROVES HIS POINT
At the press conference, Trump explained the real reason behind the project.
“People say we’re backwards. They say we’re poor. Look at this place. Computers everywhere. Gold computers. Nobody poor has gold computers.”
A reporter asked what information the giant data centre would actually process.
Trump paused.
“Information.”
“What kind?”
“Very important information.”
“Such as?”
Trump smiled.
“Mostly how rich and advanced I am.”
Trump Cloud’s first server has therefore been allocated one permanent task.
Twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, it calculates Donald Trump’s net worth.
Engineers say the answer changes every four minutes.
Trump says this proves the computer is working.
The Daily Scrotum Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional satire intended for humour and entertainment. Donald Trump has not announced plans to convert Mar-a-Lago into the data centre described above, and Trump Cloud™, Trump Sky™, TrumpGPT and the gold-plated server ballroom are comic inventions.
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