California to Become Part of Canada After Lawyers Discover Forgotten “Similar Name” Clause in U.S. Constitution
Mark Carney and Gavin Newsom reportedly agree historic “Californada” merger as furious Trump discovers he can’t stop it because somebody found the clause before he could rename it
By Quentin Thrustbucket, North American Territorial Confusion Correspondent
OTTAWA/SACRAMENTO — Donald Trump’s increasingly colourful relationship with Canada has taken an unexpected turn after Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney and California Governor Gavin Newsom allegedly discovered a completely forgotten provision of the U.S. Constitution allowing California to become part of Canada because “California” and “Canada” sound sufficiently similar if said quickly after three glasses of wine.
For context before The Daily Scrotum takes complete leave of reality: Carney really is Canada’s prime minister, and relations with Trump’s administration are currently extremely strained. Just yesterday Trump signed an order directing U.S. federal agencies to call Lake Ontario “Lake America,” while Carney responded that Canadians would continue calling it Lake Ontario.
Everything from this point onwards is, naturally, constitutional nonsense.
THE CLAUSE NOBODY NOTICED
The discovery was reportedly made by a Canadian constitutional researcher called Professor Gordon Maple-Syrup QC, who had been reading an original copy of the U.S. Constitution while waiting for his dentist.
Hidden between two paragraphs was apparently Article 14½:
“Where any State shall possess a name sufficiently resembling that of a neighbouring nation, both territories may become intertwined, provided everybody agrees except the person shouting loudest.”
Nobody had noticed it for nearly 240 years.
Professor Maple-Syrup immediately telephoned Carney.
“Prime Minister, I’ve found something.”
“Oil?”
“No.”
“Tariff exemption?”
“No.”
“Something useful?”
“California.”
Carney reportedly put his tea down.
CARNEY TELEPHONES NEWSOM
Carney immediately contacted Gavin Newsom.
“Gavin, I’ve got an interesting proposition.”
Newsom replied:
“Does it involve tariffs?”
“No.”
“Trump?”
“Unfortunately.”
“I’m listening.”
Carney explained the Similar Name Clause.
CANADA
CALIFORNIA
Both begin with CA.
Both contain an A.
Both have people who complain about the weather despite having completely different weather.
And crucially, both frequently abbreviate themselves using letters.
Newsom was convinced.
“Mark, constitutionally speaking, this sounds completely ridiculous.”
Carney replied:
“Apparently that’s what makes it legally watertight.”
CALIFORNIA BECOMES CANADIAN
Within hours, officials began drawing up plans for the world’s first Intertwined State Arrangement.
California would remain physically where it is.
Canada would remain physically where it is.
But legally, California would become:
THE PROVINCE OF CALIFORNADA
Los Angeles would remain Los Angeles, except during Canadian public holidays when it would become Los Eh-ngeles.
Hollywood would introduce the Maple Leaf Walk of Fame.
California Highway Patrol officers would have to apologise before issuing speeding tickets.
And every Starbucks would be legally required to sell maple syrup.
Newsom reportedly welcomed the arrangement.
“California gets Canada. Canada gets California. Nobody has to move anything. This is the cheapest international expansion in history.”
TRUMP IS INFORMED
The news eventually reached the White House.
Trump was furious.
“Canada can’t have California. California is American. Very American. Some parts too American.”
An adviser explained that the Similar Name Clause was constitutional.
Trump demanded to see it.
After reading Article 14½ several times, he reportedly asked:
“Who wrote the Constitution?”
“Mostly the Founding Fathers, sir.”
“Democrats?”
“No, sir.”
“Can we fire them?”
“They’re dead.”
Trump thought carefully.
“Then investigate their families.”
TRUMP ATTEMPTS EMERGENCY RENAME
Realising the similarity between Canada and California was causing the problem, Trump immediately attempted to rename California.
His first suggestion was:
TRUMPIFORNIA
Newsom rejected it.
Trump then suggested:
WEST FLORIDA
Rejected.
PACIFIC TEXAS
Rejected.
Finally:
THE STATE FORMERLY KNOWN AS CALIFORNIA
Unfortunately, constitutional lawyers ruled that the renaming came after the intertwining paperwork had been submitted.
Trump was trapped.
For perhaps the first time in his presidency, somebody had renamed something faster than he had.
OTHER STATES SUDDENLY GET IDEAS
Then the real trouble began.
American governors realised the Similar Name Clause applied to them too.
Within 24 hours, state legislatures across America began introducing emergency renaming bills.
MAINE BECOMES “MAINADA”
Maine announced it would rename itself Mainada, claiming this made it “approximately 94% Canadian.”
Canada accepted immediately because nobody could think of a reason not to.
MONTANA BECOMES “MONTREALANA”
Montana lawmakers proposed Montrealana.
Carney’s office replied:
“Close enough.”
OREGON BECOMES “ONTARIGON”
Oregon renamed itself Ontarigon and immediately demanded free healthcare and an NHL franchise.
WASHINGTON BECOMES “WASHINGTON, BRITISH COLUMBIA”
This caused enormous confusion because Canada already has British Columbia.
Canadians eventually agreed to call the American version:
British Columbia South — Formerly Washington — Not the One With Vancouver, Except It Also Has a Vancouver.
Maps became unusable almost immediately.
FLORIDA TRIES SOMETHING DIFFERENT
Florida announced it wanted to become part of France.
Its legislature proposed changing the state’s name to:
FLORIDA-FRANCE
Constitutional lawyers said that wasn’t remotely similar enough.
Florida changed it again to:
FRANCIDA
France responded:
“Non.”
Florida said it would appeal.
TEXAS REFUSES TO PARTICIPATE
Texas Governor officials announced Texas would never become Canadian.
Three hours later somebody discovered a Canadian town called Texada.
Emergency session.
Texas immediately renamed itself:
DEFINITELY NOT TEXADA
Unfortunately, lawyers said mentioning Texada in the new name actually made the constitutional connection stronger.
Canada suddenly acquired Texas.
Carney reportedly stared at the map and said:
“Good Lord.”
CANADA BECOMES ENORMOUS
Within a week the new map of North America looked extraordinary.
Canada now consisted of:
Canada,
California,
Maine,
Oregon,
Montana,
possibly Washington,
accidentally Texas,
and one small section of Nevada that had changed its name to Nova Scotiada after a drunken city council meeting.
Canada’s population had nearly doubled.
Its average winter temperature increased dramatically.
And for the first time in history Canadians could drive to a Canadian beach in January without immediately regretting it.
TRUMP DISCOVERS THE ULTIMATE SOLUTION
Trump finally summoned his constitutional advisers.
“There must be something I can rename that fixes this.”
Nobody spoke.
Then one adviser made a catastrophic mistake.
“Technically, sir, you could rename the United States.”
Trump’s eyes widened.
“That’s genius.”
The following morning Trump announced his proposal:
THE UNITED STATES OF TRUMP
Unfortunately, Professor Maple-Syrup immediately noticed another problem.
United States of Trump
sounded vaguely similar to:
United States of…
Actually, nobody could work out what it sounded similar to.
So Trump was safe.
For approximately eleven minutes.
Then Canada renamed itself:
THE UNITED PROVINCES OF TRUMPADIA
Carney appeared at a press conference smiling.
Trump was informed that under Article 14½ the two countries were now sufficiently similar to become intertwined.
Trump reportedly screamed:
“WHO KEEPS LETTING CANADA NAME THINGS?”
THE FINAL MAP
By Friday afternoon, Google Maps had reportedly given up.
North America now displayed only three geographical labels:
CANADA
SORT OF CANADA
FLORIDA — APPLICATION PENDING
Mark Carney welcomed his country’s approximately 170 million new citizens and announced that Californians would not immediately be required to learn ice hockey.
Gavin Newsom became Canada’s first Governor-Premier-Something-or-Other.
And Trump called an emergency press conference.
“Canada wanted to become our 51st state. Instead somehow we’ve become their eleven new provinces. Nobody has ever seen anything like it.”
A reporter asked whether he intended to challenge the arrangement.
Trump shook his head.
“Can’t.”
“Why not?”
Trump looked furious.
“Constitution.”
He paused.
“We’re looking at renaming that next.”
The Daily Scrotum Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional satire. There is no “Similar Name Clause,” California is not becoming part of Canada, and Mark Carney and Gavin Newsom have announced no such merger. The real backdrop is unusually tense U.S.–Canada relations, including Trump’s August 27 order directing U.S. federal usage of “Lake America” for Lake Ontario and Carney’s rejection of that name.
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