Trump Starts Renaming America Before Leaving the White House — With a Few Choice Landmarks Reserved for Natalie Harp
President launches biggest rebranding exercise in American history after deciding: “If I have to leave Washington, Washington isn’t leaving me.”
By Quentin Thrustbucket, Chief National Rebranding Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Donald Trump has accepted the disturbing reality that one day he will have to leave the White House.
He has not, however, accepted that the White House should be allowed to continue without him.
The President has therefore embarked on what is rapidly becoming the largest rebranding exercise since Kentucky Fried Chicken discovered that three letters sounded healthier.
Trump summoned senior advisers to the Oval Office and explained the problem.
“Presidents come and go. Buildings stay. That’s the problem.”
An aide cautiously asked what he intended to do about it.
Trump smiled.
“Put my name on the buildings.”
Natalie Harp was handed a marker pen.
America was handed a problem.
THE WHITE HOUSE GOES FIRST
Trump’s first objection was the name White House.
“Terrible name. White House tells you nothing. White what? White hotel? White restaurant? Nobody knows.”
His solution was immediate:
TRUMP HOUSE
The address would also require improvement.
Instead of:
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Washington, D.C.
the President proposed:
Trump House
1600 Trumpsylvania Avenue
Trumpington, D.T.
D.T., naturally, would stand for:
DISTRICT OF TRUMP
An adviser pointed out that Washington was named after George Washington.
Trump looked puzzled.
“Did he own hotels?”
“No, sir.”
“Golf courses?”
“No.”
“Social media company?”
“No.”
Trump shook his head.
“Terrible businessman. Yet he gets a whole city?”
THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT
Trump’s attention then turned to the enormous white obelisk overlooking the National Mall.
“What’s that?”
“The Washington Monument, sir.”
Trump stared at it.
“Washington again?”
“Yes.”
“How many things did this guy get?”
Nobody answered.
Trump’s first proposal was:
TRUMP TOWER — WASHINGTON BRANCH
He studied the monument again.
“Too thin.”
Then Natalie Harp walked into the room.
Trump pointed towards the window.
“Give Natalie that one.”
And so the Washington Monument became:
THE NATALIE HARP PRESIDENTIAL PENCIL
A proposed gold plaque at the entrance would read:
LONG. LOYAL. AND ALWAYS POINTING UPWARDS.
The National Park Service immediately stopped answering its telephone.
LINCOLN GETS TO STAY — SORT OF
Trump’s next inspection took him to the Lincoln Memorial.
He stared at the enormous seated figure.
“Who’s the guy in my chair?”
“Abraham Lincoln.”
“President?”
“Yes.”
“Republican?”
“Yes.”
Trump brightened.
“Good. Keep him.”
There was considerable relief.
Then Trump added:
“Change the building.”
The new name:
THE DONALD J. TRUMP MEMORIAL TO ABRAHAM LINCOLN
Underneath, in considerably smaller lettering:
Featuring Abraham Lincoln.
Trump also suggested replacing Lincoln’s stone chair with a gold one and installing a small gift shop selling Lincoln-Trump commemorative ties.
MOUNT RUSHMORE PRESENTS A SERIOUS PROBLEM
Trump studied a photograph of Mount Rushmore.
Washington.
Jefferson.
Roosevelt.
Lincoln.
He stared at it for several seconds.
“Where am I?”
An official explained that adding another presidential head would involve removing millions of tonnes of granite.
Trump shrugged.
“Fine. Remove somebody.”
“Who?”
Trump inspected the mountain.
“Whichever one had the lowest television ratings.”
The new attraction would be:
MOUNT TRUMPMORE
George Washington could remain.
Thomas Jefferson could remain.
Abraham Lincoln could remain.
Donald Trump would occupy the largest section.
And Natalie Harp would appear slightly lower down the mountain holding a printer.
Theodore Roosevelt would be relocated to the visitor centre.
THE STATUE OF LIBERTY
Trump liked the Statue of Liberty.
He liked the size.
He liked the location.
He particularly liked the fact that everybody arriving in New York had to look at it.
He simply didn’t like the name.
“Liberty is very generic.”
His replacement:
THE STATUE OF TRUMPERTY
The torch would be replaced by a golden golf club.
The tablet would become a giant copy of The Art of the Deal.
Trump also proposed updating the famous welcoming inscription to:
GIVE ME YOUR TIRED, YOUR POOR, YOUR HUDDLED MASSES — SUBJECT TO CURRENT IMMIGRATION REQUIREMENTS.
Even Trump’s advisers suggested that one might need another draft.
NATALIE GETS AN AIRPORT
Then Trump discovered Ronald Reagan had an airport named after him.
This created an immediate crisis.
“Reagan gets an airport?”
“Yes.”
“Kennedy?”
“Yes.”
“What do I get?”
“Several buildings already have your name, sir.”
Trump stared at the aide.
“Buildings don’t fly.”
Thirty minutes later, Washington Dulles International Airport had been provisionally renamed:
DONALD J. TRUMP TREMENDOUS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
Trump reconsidered.
“Actually, give Natalie the airport.”
The new proposal:
NATALIE HARP INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT
Its slogan:
SHE CARRIED TRUMP’S PAPERS. WE’LL CARRY YOUR BAGS.
Baggage Claim would become Harp Luggage Retrieval.
The executive lounge would become The Loyalty Lounge.
And Lost Property would be renamed:
THE CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS DEPARTMENT
EVEN THE POTOMAC ISN’T SAFE
Trump then looked through the White House window.
“What’s that river?”
“The Potomac.”
“Who’s Potomac?”
An aide attempted to explain.
Trump stopped him after twelve seconds.
“Rename it.”
The Potomac would become:
THE TRUMP RIVER
Trump also wanted it widened.
“Why?”
“More water.”
“Why do we need more water?”
Trump looked astonished by the question.
“Bigger rivers are better rivers.”
The Army Corps of Engineers unplugged its telephone.
THEN SOMEBODY SHOWED HIM A MAP
This was the critical mistake.
Trump discovered America contained 50 entire states, almost none of which carried his name.
Within an hour he had proposed:
Pennsylvania → Trumpsylvania
New Jersey → New Trumpsey
Florida → Trumpida
West Virginia → West Trumpginia
Arizona → Trumpizona
New York → Trump York
And then he reached California.
Trump thought carefully.
He smiled.
NATALIFORNIA
California Governor Gavin Newsom was informed of the proposal.
His response reportedly consisted of four words:
“Is Canada still available?”
WASHINGTON HAS FAR TOO MUCH WASHINGTON
Trump then discovered that Washington wasn’t merely the name of a former president and a monument.
There was also Washington, D.C.
And Washington State.
Trump was appalled.
“This guy has a state too?”
“Yes, sir.”
“And a city?”
“Yes.”
“And a monument?”
“Yes.”
Trump shook his head.
“That’s name hoarding.”
Washington, D.C. would therefore become:
TRUMPINGTON
Washington State would become:
NORTHWEST TRUMP
Trump House’s full address could finally read:
Donald J. Trump House
1600 Trumpsylvania Avenue
Trumpington
District of Trump
Trump studied it.
“Perfect.”
An aide cautiously asked:
“Sir, doesn’t that seem like rather a lot of Trump?”
Trump looked genuinely confused.
“Where?”
THE NATALIE HARP COLLECTION
Trump decided Natalie Harp deserved several landmarks under his new National Loyalty Recognition Programme.
She was allocated:
Natalie Harp International Airport
The Harp Reflecting Pool
The Natalie Harp Presidential Pencil
Harp Island
Natalifornia
and America’s newest cultural institution:
THE NATALIE HARP NATIONAL PRINTER MUSEUM
The museum would contain just one printer.
It would operate 24 hours a day.
Every three minutes it would automatically produce a sheet saying:
PRESIDENT TRUMP IS DOING A TREMENDOUS JOB
Admission would be $47.
Trump gets in free.
THEN THE LAWYER ARRIVES
Eventually somebody made the mistake of inviting a constitutional lawyer into the meeting.
He looked at the proposed list:
Trump House.
Trumpington.
Trumpsylvania Avenue.
Mount Trumpmore.
Trump River.
Statue of Trumperty.
Natalie Harp International Airport.
Natalifornia.
The Natalie Harp Presidential Pencil.
The lawyer slowly removed his glasses.
“Mr President, you can’t simply rename most of America.”
Trump looked stunned.
“Why not?”
“Well, Congress, federal law, state governments, local authorities, naming procedures—”
Trump interrupted.
“How long?”
“Potentially years.”
Trump looked at the calendar.
This was clearly unacceptable.
PLAN B
If Trump couldn’t rename America before eventually leaving the White House, he would simply attach his name to everything.
The Washington Monument becomes:
WASHINGTON MONUMENT — A TRUMP PRESENTATION
The Lincoln Memorial:
LINCOLN MEMORIAL — POWERED BY TRUMP
Mount Rushmore:
MOUNT RUSHMORE — IN ASSOCIATION WITH DONALD J. TRUMP
The Statue of Liberty:
STATUE OF LIBERTY — A TRUMP DESTINATION
And finally:
THE WHITE HOUSE®
A DONALD J. TRUMP LEGACY PROPERTY
With a smaller plaque underneath:
Selected administrative services provided by Natalie Harp.
ONE FINAL PROBLEM
Before leaving the meeting, Trump issued one last instruction.
“Whatever happens, make sure the next president can’t remove my name.”
The lawyer sighed.
“That’s probably impossible.”
Trump smiled.
“Then put it in concrete.”
“What?”
“Everything.”
Construction companies across Washington are now preparing for an order of approximately 14,000 tonnes of gold lettering.
Natalie Harp still has the marker pen.
The National Park Service has stopped answering calls.
George Washington’s descendants are reportedly checking the small print.
And somewhere inside a government warehouse sits America’s newest proposed road sign:
WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF TRUMP
Featuring selected areas sponsored by Natalie Harp.
Trump reportedly inspected the sign personally.
He had only one complaint.
“Make my name bigger.”
The Daily Scrotum Disclaimer: This story is entirely fictional satire intended for humour and entertainment. Donald Trump has not announced the wholesale renaming programme described above. The quotations, conversations, renaming proposals and events are invented. Natalie Harp is a real Trump aide; nothing in this satire alleges an improper personal relationship between Harp and Trump.
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