Trump Applies His “300% Drug Price Formula” to 2024 Election — Discovers He Lost by 154 Million Votes

White House mathematicians immediately confiscate calculator after President announces: “If it works for medicine, it works for democracy.”

By Quentin Thrustbucket, Senior Mathematical Emergency Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Donald Trump has reportedly discovered that he did not win the 2024 presidential election after applying what White House staff are privately calling “Trump Mathematics” to his own vote total.

The crisis began after Trump repeatedly described prescription-drug price differences or reductions using figures of 300%, 400%, 500% and even 600%. Those percentages really have appeared in his public remarks, although a literal price reduction greater than 100% would mathematically take a price below zero.

Trump has now, according to The Daily Scrotum, decided that any mathematical formula powerful enough to reduce the price of medication by 300% should be equally capable of checking an election.

It took eleven minutes for the presidency to disappear.

THE TRUMP FORMULA™

Trump summoned election officials, accountants and one terrified high-school maths teacher to the Oval Office.

He explained:

“It’s very simple. We reduced drug prices by 300%. Nobody thought it could be done. The mathematicians said you can’t do it. I did it.”

An economist cautiously raised his hand.

“Mr President, reducing something by 300% would—”

Trump interrupted.

“That’s old mathematics.”

He then unveiled:

TRUMP MATHEMATICS™

100% = good

200% = twice as good

300% = tremendous

500% = historic

600% = nobody has ever seen numbers like it

A reporter asked what zero meant.

Trump replied:

“Biden.”

THEN SOMEBODY MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE

An election official asked whether the same formula could be applied to Trump’s 2024 vote.

Trump froze.

He looked around the room.

Then smiled.

“That’s actually brilliant.”

Several aides immediately attempted to leave.

The doors were locked.

A giant calculator was brought into the Oval Office.

Trump’s actual 2024 popular-vote total was roughly 77.3 million.

Trump ordered officials:

“Reduce it by 300%. Same as the drugs.”

The mathematician entered:

77.3 million − 300%

The calculator thought about it.

Then displayed approximately:

–154.6 MILLION VOTES

Silence.

Absolute silence.

Trump stared at the screen.

“Minus?”

“Yes, Mr President.”

“I got minus 154 million votes?”

“Using your formula, yes.”

Trump looked horrified.

“That’s the biggest election fraud in history.”

AMERICA NOW HAS NEGATIVE VOTERS

The situation rapidly deteriorated.

Trump demanded officials locate the 154 million Americans who had apparently voted against him despite not technically existing.

The FBI was allegedly instructed to search:

Florida.

California.

Pennsylvania.

Mexico.

Canada.

Costco.

And “possibly Europe.”

One investigator explained:

“Sir, these people don’t exist.”

Trump nodded knowingly.

“Exactly. Illegal voters.”

THE WHITE HOUSE TRIES 400%

An aide attempted to rescue the situation.

“Perhaps we should use the 400% formula instead.”

Trump agreed.

They recalculated.

The result became even worse.

Trump now had approximately:

–232 MILLION VOTES

Trump stared at the calculator.

“Who made this thing?”

“Texas Instruments.”

Trump immediately suggested tariffs.

THEN THEY TRIED 500%

Another adviser suggested stopping.

Trump refused.

“If 300% works, 500% works better.”

They pressed the buttons.

Trump’s vote total plunged to approximately:

–309 MILLION

The room fell silent again.

One adviser whispered:

“At this rate, sir, people who haven’t been born yet voted against you.”

Trump pointed at him.

“Investigate them.”

THE 600% CATASTROPHE

Nobody wanted to do it.

Trump insisted.

His approximately 77 million votes were subjected to the full 600% Trump Reduction Formula.

Result:

–386 MILLION VOTES

An aide removed his glasses.

“Mr President, according to your mathematics, you lost the election by more people than there are people in the United States.”

Trump nodded.

“That’s what I’ve been saying.”

THE DEMOCRATS ASK TO BORROW THE FORMULA

News of Trump Mathematics quickly reached Congress.

Democrats reportedly asked whether it could also be applied to the national debt.

Trump refused.

The Pentagon asked whether it could be applied to military expenditure.

Refused.

The IRS asked whether it could be applied to people’s tax bills.

Absolutely refused.

Then an American taxpayer asked:

“If my $10,000 tax bill is reduced by 300%, does the government send me $20,000?”

The White House immediately clarified that Trump Mathematics does not apply to taxation.

PHARMACIES BECOME CONCERNED

Meanwhile, Americans began arriving at pharmacies carrying calculators.

One customer approached the counter.

“How much is my medication?”

“$100.”

“Excellent. President Trump reduced it by 300%.”

The pharmacist sighed.

“So?”

“You owe me $200 and some tablets.”

Pharmacies nationwide immediately requested clarification.

ELECTION OFFICIALS ANNOUNCE EXTRAORDINARY RESULT

After applying Trump Mathematics to every state, election officials produced their fictional revised result:

Donald Trump: –154,600,000 votes

Kamala Harris: 74,983,555 votes

Other candidates: approximately 2.9 million

Calculator: requesting political asylum

Trump studied the numbers.

Then suddenly smiled.

“Wait.”

Everyone waited.

“If my votes are negative, multiply them by negative one.”

The mathematician reluctantly did so.

154.6 million.

Trump’s eyes widened.

“I WON BY 154 MILLION!”

The room erupted.

Not in celebration.

Mostly screaming.

A NEW LANDSLIDE IS DECLARED

Within minutes Trump announced:

“We have discovered that I actually received 154 million votes. Possibly 300 million. Maybe 600 million. We’re still calculating.”

A journalist pointed out that this would mean considerably more people voted for him than actually did.

Trump smiled.

“That’s because we reduced the number upwards.”

The journalist stopped taking notes.

THE CALCULATOR IS REMOVED FROM THE WHITE HOUSE

At approximately 4:15 p.m., senior officials finally intervened.

The calculator was unplugged.

Excel was removed from White House computers.

The Calculator app was deleted from Trump’s phone.

And an executive order reportedly prohibited anyone within 500 yards of the Oval Office from saying:

percentage

fraction

decimal

minus

or

show your working.

The administration subsequently issued a statement:

“The President remains extremely confident in mathematics, provided mathematics produces the correct answer.”

Trump later announced that his 2024 victory had been independently verified using his latest formula:

77 MILLION + 300% = A LOT

And that, he said, was all the proof America needed.

The Daily Scrotum Disclaimer: This is political satire. The ridiculous election calculations, dialogue, officials and “Trump Mathematics™” are fictional. The underlying joke is based on Trump’s real public use of figures such as 300%, 400%, 500% and 600% when discussing prescription-drug price differences/reductions. In ordinary percentage arithmetic, a literal reduction of more than 100% would push a positive starting price below zero—which is precisely why The Daily Scrotum has entrusted the nation’s elections to it.