HaveYouGotOne.com Takes on Vinted — With a Five-Star Rating for Fakes

New Marketplace Lets Customers Sell Almost Anything — But Counterfeits Receive the Coveted ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “FANTASTIC FAKE” Award

By Quentin Thrustbucket, Chief Bargain Correspondent

LONDON — The internet resale market was thrown into confusion today after HaveYouGotOne.com announced plans to transform itself into a customer-to-customer selling website designed to compete with the biggest names in online second-hand shopping.

Until now, the website has concentrated on helping people preserve memories and personal stories.

But management has apparently decided that memories are all very nice…

Selling the contents of your garage is where the excitement really starts.

The new concept is beautifully simple.

Got something?

Sell it.

Don’t want something?

Sell it.

Don’t actually know what something is?

Put it online for £14.99 and describe it as “vintage.”

The proposed slogan is:

HAVE YOU GOT ONE? SOMEBODY ELSE PROBABLY WANTS IT!

Customers will be able to advertise clothes, furniture, toys, collectibles, electronics, sporting equipment and virtually anything else they can photograph without their thumb covering the camera.

But HaveYouGotOne intends to introduce one feature that should certainly never exist on a real marketplace:

THE FIVE-STAR FAKE AWARD

In our satirical version of the site, counterfeit goods aren’t merely identified.

They’re rated.

A suspicious designer handbag might therefore appear as:

Genuine-ish Luxury Handbag

£19.50

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

FANTASTIC FAKE

So convincing even the seller doesn’t know who made it.

A £12 “Rolex” would receive:

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ PREMIUM FAKE

Accuracy: 9/10
Quality: 7/10
Actually a Rolex: 0/10

One customer proudly lists a pair of trainers as:

“Nike, Adidas, Puma and possibly Gucci.”

The listing immediately receives five stars for Outstanding Brand Efficiency.

TAKING ON VINTED

Executives insist the new marketplace will offer something different.

Other resale platforms ask:

What are you selling?

HaveYouGotOne asks:

“Have you got one?”

If the answer is yes, you’re halfway through creating the advert.

The listing form reportedly contains just five questions:

1. What have you got?

2. Does it work?

3. Are you absolutely sure?

4. How much do you want?

5. Is your spouse aware you’re selling it?

The final question is expected to prevent approximately 40% of all disputes.

THE HONEST DESCRIPTION SYSTEM

Sellers will be encouraged to use refreshingly accurate descriptions.

Instead of:

“Excellent condition.”

They might write:

“Worked perfectly in 2017.”

Instead of:

“Minor cosmetic damage.”

The description might read:

“Dropped downstairs twice.”

And instead of:

“Designer inspired.”

The system automatically translates this to:

“Absolutely nobody at Gucci has ever seen this.”

THE GREAT FAKE LEADERBOARD

For the satire, HaveYouGotOne even publishes a weekly chart celebrating the most spectacularly questionable listings.

This week’s contenders include:

5th — Louis Button Handbag

4th — Calvin Climb Underwear

3rd — Dolce & Banana Sunglasses

2nd — Mike Air Trainers

And this week’s winner:

THE ROLEX DIGITAL MICROWAVE WATCH

It doesn’t tell the time.

It doesn’t contain a microwave.

And Rolex definitely didn’t make it.

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

ABSOLUTELY MAGNIFICENT FAKE

The seller is asking £8.50 plus postage.

ONE VERY IMPORTANT REALITY CHECK

Unfortunately, lawyers eventually arrive at the meeting.

They explain that knowingly allowing counterfeit goods on a genuine marketplace would be an extremely bad idea.

There is a long silence.

Someone quietly removes the Fantastic Fake button.

The five stars disappear.

The Louis Button handbag mysteriously vanishes.

And the Rolex microwave watch is last seen heading towards a skip.

The genuine HaveYouGotOne marketplace therefore introduces a rather less exciting rule:

Counterfeit goods prohibited.

Quentin Thrustbucket described this as disappointing but “probably considerably cheaper than spending the next six years talking to trademark lawyers.”

The company instead concentrates on legitimate customer listings, unusual second-hand treasures, collectibles and all those mysterious objects people discover in cupboards and immediately wonder:

“What on earth is that?”

Which, conveniently, leads straight back to the website’s name.

Have You Got One?

Maybe.

Do you want another one?

Apparently somebody does.

And if you find a “genuine Rolex” for £7.99?

The website has one final piece of advice:

You haven’t found a bargain.

You’ve found next week’s Daily Scrotum story.