Trump Declares Bone Spurs “A Badge of Honour” and Plans New Presidential Medal
White House Considering a “Menu of Honour” for Americans With Distinguished Feet
By Quentin Thrustbucket, Chief Orthopaedic Correspondent
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has reportedly decided that bone spurs should no longer be regarded merely as an uncomfortable medical condition.
They should be regarded as an honour.
And, naturally, honours require medals.
The inspiration follows decades of public discussion about Trump’s Vietnam-era draft deferments, which included a medical deferment attributed to bone spurs in his heels. Trump has now, according to Daily Scrotum sources, decided it is time to transform the troublesome foot condition into something considerably more prestigious.
“Bone spurs are very special,” Trump allegedly announced.
“Not everybody gets them. You need tremendous heels.”
Within hours, White House officials were reportedly instructed to create a new national award:
THE PRESIDENTIAL MEDAL OF ORTHOPAEDIC EXCELLENCE
The medal would be presented to Americans who have demonstrated “exceptional achievement in the field of unexpectedly inconvenient feet.”
Trump is also said to have requested a Menu of Honour, allowing recipients to choose the medal appropriate to their particular complaint.
The proposed categories include:
Gold Heel — Bone spurs on both feet.
Silver Sock — One confirmed bone spur.
Bronze Insole — Persistent unexplained foot discomfort.
Order of the Presidential Corn — Outstanding bravery while wearing new shoes.
And the extremely prestigious:
Purple Blister — Awarded to anyone who completes an entire round of golf without requesting a buggy.
Pentagon officials were reportedly confused when the proposal landed on their desks.
One general cautiously explained:
“Mr President, military medals are normally awarded for service.”
Trump reportedly replied:
“Exactly. These people have served their feet for years.”
Plans for the medal itself are said to be spectacular.
Early designs feature a golden foot surrounded by stars with a tiny red, white and blue orthopaedic insert in the centre.
The ribbon would carry the words:
COURAGE • HONOUR • COMFORTABLE FOOTWEAR
Quentin Thrustbucket spoke to Professor Barry Bunion of the American Institute of Presidential Podiatry.
He described the scheme as groundbreaking.
“For centuries, people with bone spurs have received medical advice.”
“Nobody previously thought of giving them a medal.”
The proposal has already created enormous excitement among America’s podiatrists.
Clinics are reportedly receiving calls from patients asking whether old X-rays can be submitted retrospectively to the White House.
One 74-year-old man from Florida reportedly telephoned his doctor shouting:
“I knew these feet would eventually achieve something!”
The White House gift shop is also believed to be preparing commemorative merchandise, including Make Feet Great Again slippers, Presidential Heel Cushions and limited-edition gold-plated shoehorns.
But Trump reportedly has even bigger ambitions.
He wants an annual ceremony on the White House lawn where recipients walk—or, depending upon severity, gently hobble—along a red carpet before receiving their medals.
Trump himself would present the awards.
According to our source, he is considering awarding the first medal to himself.
“Some presidents get Nobel Prizes,” he reportedly said.
“I’m getting something much more exclusive.”
“The Golden Spur.”
At the time of publication, officials were still debating whether recipients should salute the President.
The Department of Podiatry has suggested something more appropriate.
Everyone simply puts their feet up.
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