WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has reportedly claimed he has negotiated “the greatest deal in football history” after persuading FIFA’s president to give him unprecedented influence over every referee’s decision during the next World Cup.
According to insiders, the agreement was reached after Trump reportedly offered his “good friend” an exclusive luxury apartment at Mar-a-Lago, complete with unlimited golf, all-you-can-eat cheeseburgers and complimentary golden binoculars for spotting offside decisions from several thousand miles away.
Trump proudly announced the deal during a hastily arranged press conference.
“People say referees should be independent. Wrong. Referees need leadership. Nobody understands football better than me. I’ve seen at least four matches.”
The agreement allegedly allowed every VAR decision to be forwarded directly to Trump’s personal “Truth Referee Hotline,” where he would make the final ruling.
Within minutes, football descended into glorious confusion.
One player was awarded three penalties for looking disappointed.
Another received a red card for “standing in a disrespectful manner.”
A goalkeeper was booked for catching the ball “too confidently.”
Corner flags were briefly declared “optional.”
Trump also revealed another surprise.
He would be launching his own professional football club called Mar-a-Lago United, insisting it would become “the greatest team the world has ever imagined.”
Training began immediately.
Unfortunately, nobody realised that Trump had accidentally ordered rugby balls instead of footballs.
Players spent the first hour wondering why every pass flew sideways.
Goalkeepers kept shouting, “Why is it shaped like an egg?”
One striker celebrated after carrying the ball over the goal line while three defenders politely applauded what they assumed was an exciting new FIFA rule.
The referee, after consulting VAR, awarded six points.
By half-time the scoreboard simply read:
“Nobody Really Knows: 27.”
Quentin Thrustbucket, reporting live for The Daily Scrotum, described scenes of complete sporting chaos.
“I’ve covered elections, international summits and a village cheese-rolling championship, but I’ve never seen Lionel Messi tackled by someone shouting, ‘Try! Try! Try!'”
The confusion deepened when Trump insisted the oval ball was actually “far more aerodynamic.”
“It’s tremendous. Very pointy. The round ones are overrated.”
FIFA officials finally stepped in after discovering the official match programme included the words:
‘Please remember that touchdowns count as hat-tricks unless President Trump says otherwise.’
Mar-a-Lago United’s opening fixture was abandoned after both teams accidentally formed a rugby scrum, the referee blew for a cricket LBW, and the stadium announcer declared Australia the winners on penalties “just to keep everyone happy.”
At the time of publication, Trump remained convinced everything had gone perfectly.
“It was football. It was rugby. It was a little bit of golf. That’s what I call innovation. Everybody says it was the greatest World Cup match they’ve never understood.”
Trump’s World Cup Masterplan Ends in Complete Ball-Up
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Donald Trump has reportedly claimed he has negotiated “the greatest deal in football history” after persuading FIFA’s president to give him unprecedented influence over every referee’s decision during the next World Cup.
According to insiders, the agreement was reached after Trump reportedly offered his “good friend” an exclusive luxury apartment at Mar-a-Lago, complete with unlimited golf, all-you-can-eat cheeseburgers and complimentary golden binoculars for spotting offside decisions from several thousand miles away.
Trump proudly announced the deal during a hastily arranged press conference.
“People say referees should be independent. Wrong. Referees need leadership. Nobody understands football better than me. I’ve seen at least four matches.”
The agreement allegedly allowed every VAR decision to be forwarded directly to Trump’s personal “Truth Referee Hotline,” where he would make the final ruling.
Within minutes, football descended into glorious confusion.
One player was awarded three penalties for looking disappointed.
Another received a red card for “standing in a disrespectful manner.”
A goalkeeper was booked for catching the ball “too confidently.”
Corner flags were briefly declared “optional.”
Trump also revealed another surprise.
He would be launching his own professional football club called Mar-a-Lago United, insisting it would become “the greatest team the world has ever imagined.”
Training began immediately.
Unfortunately, nobody realised that Trump had accidentally ordered rugby balls instead of footballs.
Players spent the first hour wondering why every pass flew sideways.
Goalkeepers kept shouting, “Why is it shaped like an egg?”
One striker celebrated after carrying the ball over the goal line while three defenders politely applauded what they assumed was an exciting new FIFA rule.
The referee, after consulting VAR, awarded six points.
By half-time the scoreboard simply read:
“Nobody Really Knows: 27.”
Quentin Thrustbucket, reporting live for The Daily Scrotum, described scenes of complete sporting chaos.
“I’ve covered elections, international summits and a village cheese-rolling championship, but I’ve never seen Lionel Messi tackled by someone shouting, ‘Try! Try! Try!'”
The confusion deepened when Trump insisted the oval ball was actually “far more aerodynamic.”
“It’s tremendous. Very pointy. The round ones are overrated.”
FIFA officials finally stepped in after discovering the official match programme included the words:
‘Please remember that touchdowns count as hat-tricks unless President Trump says otherwise.’
Mar-a-Lago United’s opening fixture was abandoned after both teams accidentally formed a rugby scrum, the referee blew for a cricket LBW, and the stadium announcer declared Australia the winners on penalties “just to keep everyone happy.”
At the time of publication, Trump remained convinced everything had gone perfectly.
“It was football. It was rugby. It was a little bit of golf. That’s what I call innovation. Everybody says it was the greatest World Cup match they’ve never understood.”
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