TG Jones Announces It Is Changing All 459 Stores… Again!
LONDON – The company formerly known as WH Smith, and more recently TG Jones, has announced that it has already decided to abandon its latest name and rebrand all 459 stores to the much more memorable…
MR PICKLES
Company executives insist the new name was chosen after months of extensive market research involving focus groups, biscuits and one particularly enthusiastic Labrador.
Owner Modella explained the decision.
“We’ve realised that people don’t remember sensible names anymore. We wanted something completely ridiculous that absolutely everybody would remember.”
She added:
“We need a gimmick to attract new customers because times are very… very… interesting at present.”
Pausing briefly before smiling confidently, she concluded:
“Flingers crossed!“
The company has also unveiled its brand-new slogan:
MR PICKLES – We’ve Probably Got It Somewhere.
Marketing experts have already described the slogan as “oddly believable.”
Lucky Bags For Everyone
To celebrate the launch, every customer walking through the doors of a Mr Pickles store will receive a FREE Lucky Bag.
Nobody—including senior management—has the slightest idea what might be inside.
Possible prizes include:
- A biro that writes upside down.
- Three paper clips from 1987.
- A bookmark featuring somebody else’s holiday photo.
- Half a packet of mints.
- A receipt for a newspaper bought in 1994.
- A mystery key that fits absolutely nothing.
One delighted shopper opened their Lucky Bag only to discover… another, slightly smaller Lucky Bag.
Management described it as:
“A premium customer experience.”
The New Shopping Experience
Stores will introduce exciting new attractions, including:
- The Queue of Destiny, where customers wait patiently while staff try to remember which till actually works.
- The Mystery Pen Challenge, where every pen is tested before finally choosing the first one you picked up.
- The Magazine Maze, where every publication except the one you’re looking for is somehow available.
- The Stationery Treasure Hunt, where employees whisper, “We’ve probably got it somewhere,” before disappearing into the stockroom for twenty minutes.
New Uniforms
Staff have already received brand-new uniforms proudly displaying the company slogan:
MR PICKLES – We’ve Probably Got It Somewhere.
Employees have reportedly been instructed to answer every customer enquiry with:
“I’m almost certain we’ve got one… somewhere.”
Whether they actually have one is considered “a secondary issue.”
Looking Ahead
Despite widespread confusion over why a stationery retailer is now named after what sounds like a friendly pet hamster, company bosses remain extremely optimistic.
Market research apparently showed that nobody could remember TG Jones after five minutes.
However…
Everyone remembered Mr Pickles.
At the time of publication, thousands of customers had already begun asking whether Mr Pickles was a real person.
The company confirmed that nobody actually knows.
“But if he exists,” a spokesman said, “he’s probably got it somewhere.”
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