Burnham’s One-Man Army Plan Leaves Generals Speechless

WESTMINSTER – Reports are circulating that possible future Prime Minister Andy Burnham is considering the most radical overhaul of Britain’s armed forces in modern history by replacing the Army, Royal Navy and Royal Air Force with a single man from Scunthorpe called Bob.

According to leaked documents, Burnham believes modern warfare can be simplified dramatically by giving Bob complete control of the nation’s entire drone fleet from what officials are describing as “a very comfortable swivel chair.”

When questioned about Bob’s military qualifications, government insiders proudly revealed his extensive flying experience.

“Bob once flew a drone the entire length of Scunthorpe beach without crashing into a single ice cream van,” one official explained. “That level of expertise simply cannot be ignored.”

The Ministry of Defence is reportedly preparing to close dozens of military bases and replace them with a converted garden shed behind Bob’s semi-detached house, complete with high-speed broadband, a kettle and an emergency supply of custard creams.

Military chiefs were said to be slightly concerned after discovering Bob’s only previous command experience involved shouting at seagulls that kept attacking his fish and chips.

Nevertheless, Burnham is said to remain completely confident.

“Why pay for thousands of soldiers when Bob has two spare batteries and excellent hand-eye coordination?” he reportedly told advisers.

The new defence strategy would allow Bob to monitor Britain’s entire security network from three computer screens, a joystick and a fold-up camping chair. If multiple international incidents occurred simultaneously, Bob would simply “prioritise whichever one looked most annoying.”

Training exercises have already begun.

During the first simulation, Bob successfully located a missing football, filmed his neighbour mowing the lawn and accidentally followed a pigeon for nearly 40 minutes before realising it wasn’t a hostile aircraft.

Officials nevertheless declared the exercise “a remarkable success.”

The Royal Navy has reportedly asked whether Bob could also keep an eye on the English Channel while he’s at it.

“Only after lunch,” Bob replied.

Plans are also being drawn up for Britain’s new defence headquarters, which will reportedly feature a biscuit tin labelled ‘Top Secret’, a rechargeable power bank and a large handwritten notice reminding visitors:

“Please don’t unplug Bob.”

At the time of publication, the entire defence review had been temporarily postponed after Bob admitted he couldn’t launch the national drone fleet because he’d accidentally left the controller charging at his sister’s house.