Britain’s Airports Launch Competition to Charge the Most for Dropping Someone Off
New “Golden Barrier Award” Announced for Airport With the Most Outrageous Drop-Off Fee
LONDON — Britain’s busiest airports have reportedly abandoned competing over passenger numbers and flight destinations in favour of a far more lucrative contest…
Who can charge motorists the most for stopping outside the terminal for 30 seconds?
Following reports that drop-off charges have risen sharply at many of the UK’s busiest airports, industry insiders say airport bosses now gather every month to compare just how inventive they can become.
According to leaked minutes from the latest meeting of the Association of Extremely Expensive Airport Kerbs, executives applauded each other every time someone suggested another price increase.
One airport chief proudly announced,
“We’ve increased our drop-off charge by another pound.”
The room erupted into a standing ovation.
Another executive responded,
“Amateurs.”
“We’re charging extra if drivers actually slow down.”
The meeting descended into chaos after one airport proposed introducing a new “Breathing Near the Terminal Fee.”
Quentin Thrustbucket, reporting for The Daily Scrotum, attended the secret conference disguised as a sat-nav.
“I couldn’t believe what I was hearing,” Quentin said.
“One airport suggested introducing surge pricing every time someone cried after saying goodbye.”
A leaked presentation revealed several proposals currently under consideration:
- Opening Car Door Fee – £4
- Emotional Goodbye Surcharge – £7
- Two-Hug Levy – £9
- Extra 50p for Saying ‘Have a Nice Holiday’
- Looking at the Terminal – £2
- Thinking About Parking – £3.50
- Breathing Airport Air – £1.25 per lung
One airport is even considering charging passengers based on the weight of their farewell hug.
A spokesman explained,
“Longer hugs create congestion.”
Motorists have become increasingly creative.
One family reportedly dropped Grandma off nearly two miles away and supplied her with a folding chair, binoculars and a compass.
She eventually reached departures the following Tuesday.
Another traveller parachuted into the terminal after discovering it was cheaper than using the official drop-off zone.
Airport bosses insist the charges are necessary.
“We’re improving the customer experience.”
Asked how charging £9 for forty seconds improved the experience, the spokesman replied,
“Our shareholders seem considerably happier.”
Estate agents have already begun advertising houses within walking distance of airports as:
“Drop-Off Fee Avoidance Properties.”
Some are reportedly selling for more than homes with sea views.
Meanwhile, technology companies are developing apps that calculate the cheapest place to eject passengers from moving vehicles.
One app proudly advertises:
“Only a 47-minute walk to Terminal 3!”
At the time of publication, Britain’s airports were preparing to unveil their newest innovation…
A premium “Wave Goodbye Package”, allowing motorists to stop for an incredible 90 seconds.
The package includes:
- One smile.
- One wave.
- A complimentary tissue.
- And a printed receipt proving you’ve just spent more saying goodbye than the passenger paid for their flight.
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