Cash Machines Start Asking Customers for Tips
Banks insist the machines are “just trying to make ends meet.”
By Quentin Thrustbucket, Banking Correspondent
The Daily Scrotum
Britain’s banking industry has been thrown into chaos after thousands of cash machines across the country suddenly began asking customers if they would like to leave a tip after withdrawing their own money.
Customers expecting to see the familiar message, “Please take your cash,” are instead being greeted with:
“Would you like to leave a gratuity for your ATM today?”
They are then presented with four options:
- 😊 10%
- 😃 15%
- 🤩 20%
- 😞 Other Amount
Many users initially assumed it was a prank until the machine patiently waited for an answer before finally dispensing their money.
One bewildered pensioner in Doncaster said:
“I only wanted twenty quid for my shopping. Before I knew it the machine asked whether I’d like to reward it for excellent service. I nearly thanked it before realising it was my own money.”
“It’s Been Working Extremely Hard”
A spokesperson for the National Automated Teller Machine Association defended the new system.
“People tip waiters, taxi drivers, hairdressers and even coffee shops. Cash machines have been dispensing money 24 hours a day for decades with absolutely no recognition whatsoever.”
The spokesman added that many ATMs now suffer from “low morale” after years of people punching their screens when they forget their PIN.
Premium Service
Some machines have reportedly gone even further.
Customers selecting “No Tip” are occasionally greeted with messages such as:
“We’re disappointed you chose not to support your local ATM.”
Another reads:
“Perhaps next time you’ll appreciate the effort involved in counting £20 notes.”
Meanwhile, those selecting a 20% tip receive:
“⭐ Thank you for being one of our Premium Generous Customers.”
Machines Comparing Earnings
Engineers claim neighbouring cash machines have begun boasting about how much they earned in gratuities.
One engineer reported overhearing two machines communicating overnight.
“Machine Four pulled in £186 in tips yesterday.”
“Very nice,” replied Machine Five. “I only managed £142 because I accidentally gave someone fifty pounds instead of twenty.”
Banks Defend the Move
Several major banks insist the money does not actually go to the machines.
Instead it helps cover:
- Emotional maintenance
- Screen polishing
- Keyboard counselling
- Receipt roll wellbeing
- Cash cassette appreciation programmes
One executive explained:
“People don’t realise the psychological pressure these machines face every payday.”
Quentin Thrustbucket Investigates
Our reporter Quentin Thrustbucket attempted to interview one of the ATMs.
After inserting his bank card backwards six times, he asked the machine whether it genuinely expected a tip.
The ATM replied:
“Incorrect PIN.”
Quentin described this as “a rather defensive answer.”
Public Reaction
The idea has divided opinion.
Some customers refuse on principle.
Others admit they felt guilty pressing “No Tip” after the machine wished them a pleasant afternoon.
One London banker confessed:
“I gave it 15%. Then it asked if I’d like to round it up to support distressed vending machines.”
Albert Immerson’s Verdict
Chief Crime Correspondent Albert Immerson has launched an investigation.
“The day your own cash machine starts guilt-tripping you into tipping it for giving you access to your own money is the day we’ve officially lost the plot.”
He then attempted to withdraw £50.
The machine asked if he’d like to leave a review.
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Excellent dispensing action. Notes were crisp and the whirring noise was first class.”
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Top reaction: 🥜 Lost Their Marbles
