Gerry Mandering “Absolutely Sick of It” as Name Continues to Be Blamed for Everything
SOMEWHERE BETWEEN TWO VERY CONFUSING LINES — Local man Gerry Mandering has officially announced he is “at the end of his tether” after decades of having his name unfairly dragged into discussions about electoral boundaries.
“I don’t even draw maps,” Gerry said, shaking his head while holding what appeared to be a completely normal rectangle. “I tried once. It was a square. Everyone was happy. That should’ve been the end of it.”
🗺️ “I Just Wanted a Quiet Life”
Gerry claims the trouble began when someone, somewhere, decided to use his perfectly respectable name to describe:
- Oddly shaped districts
- Political manipulation
- Lines that look like “a snake that’s had too much coffee”
“I wake up, turn on the news, and there it is again,” he said.
“Gerrymandering this, gerrymandering that. It’s exhausting.”
😤 Public Misunderstanding at an All-Time High
The situation has reportedly escalated to the point where:
- People laugh when he introduces himself
- Delivery drivers refuse to trust his address
- One neighbour accused him of “redrawing the street”
“I haven’t moved the bins in three years,” Gerry insisted.
“I’m not reorganising entire regions.”
🧠 Attempt to Rebrand Fails
In an effort to escape the association, Gerry briefly attempted to rebrand himself as:
- “Gerald M.”
- “G. Manders”
- “Just Gerry, no maps”
However, he says the damage was already done:
“The minute I say ‘Gerry,’ people start looking at me like I’ve got a pen and a plan.”
🧾 Official Complaint Filed
Gerry has reportedly filed a formal complaint requesting that:
- His name be “left out of it”
- Electoral terms be renamed to something less personal
- People “just draw normal shapes for once”
🗣️ Experts Respond
Political analysts have acknowledged the issue, with one stating:
“To be fair, he does seem to be taking the blame for quite a lot.”
Another added:
“We’ve never actually met him… but the name stuck.”
🧢 Looking to the Future
Despite the frustration, Gerry remains hopeful:
“One day, people will hear my name and think ‘nice chap’… not ‘suspiciously shaped district.’”
At press time, Gerry was reportedly seen carefully drawing a straight line on a piece of paper, smiling slightly, before someone walked past and muttered:
“Classic gerrymandering.”
Gerry has not commented since.
