Operation Slippery Citizen

Jeanine Pirro’s New “Operation Slippery Citizen” Sends America Into a Bubble Bath Panic

By Quentin Thrustbucket, Senior Political Puddle Correspondent

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are confidently describing as “completely made up, thankfully,” Jeanine Pirro has reportedly unveiled a spectacular new initiative called Operation Slippery Citizen, a plan that would charge Americans every time they come within touching distance of water.

According to the entirely fictional proposal, citizens would be billed for using taps, showers, garden hoses, paddling pools, fish tanks, and even standing too close to a puddle after rain.

“Water is everywhere,” Pirro allegedly declared in this imaginary press conference. “If people insist on using it, they should contribute every single time they look at it.”

The proposal doesn’t stop there.

Sources that definitely don’t exist claim Pirro is lobbying water companies to introduce a harmless green algae into every household pipe, purely so inspectors can prove whether someone has attempted to wash their hands without first paying the newly invented “Hydration Access Fee.”

The algae would reportedly glow bright green under ultraviolet light, meaning anyone caught taking an unauthorised shower could be identified from space.

Americans were said to be horrified after learning that every sink would come fitted with a tiny electronic voice announcing:

“Thank you for washing your vegetables. That will be $4.75.”

Households would also receive monthly “Splash Statements” detailing every bath, kettle boil, toilet flush and overenthusiastic water pistol incident.

One confused homeowner in Ohio reportedly asked whether watering his tomatoes counted as agriculture.

“No,” replied an entirely fictional government spokesman. “That’s premium recreational hydration.”

Swimming pools would become luxury items, with lifeguards replaced by accountants carrying waterproof calculators.

Meanwhile, children caught jumping in puddles could receive what officials are calling “Aquatic Behaviour Improvement Notices,” although grandparents would qualify for a discount because “they complain about the weather more than anyone.”

The nation’s plumbers are said to be delighted by the imaginary scheme, predicting that thousands of people will attempt to disconnect their taps and survive entirely on cups of tea borrowed from neighbours.

Scientists have also weighed in, warning that introducing algae into every water pipe would make absolutely no sense and would create more problems than it could ever solve.

At press time, Quentin Thrustbucket was attempting to invoice his goldfish for “occupying taxable water space,” but the fish remained silent, leading Quentin to conclude it had probably hired a very expensive lawyer.